Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness

I have a question for you: for $500, could you make your partner feel upset in under one minute? Most people answer an emphatic “Yes!” To accomplish this, you would probably bring up some event, person, or question that invariably irritates your partner. We even have a term for this–“pushing my buttons.” When someone pushes our buttons, it is commonly accepted we have no choice but to get upset. Over time, our partner usually learns where all our “buttons” are.

While “pushing my buttons” signifies a way our partner can easily make us upset, we have no phrase for the opposite effect–when our mate does something that invariably makes us feel loving. We could call it “pushing my love buttons,” but there’s no poetry in a phrase like that. I prefer to call it “charming my heart.” When someone “charms” us, it’s as if they have cast a spell of enchantment over our heart. A wonderful way to experience more love in your relationship is to learn of “automatic” ways to charm your partner’s heart. When your partner feels fully loved by you, guess how they’ll treat you? Soon, you’ll both be charming each other’s heart in an upward spiral that leads all the way to heaven. Ahhh, how sweet it can be!

The way we tend to express love to another person is, in most cases, the way in which we would like to receive it. I have fallen into this trap. I used to give my wife massages because that’s what makes me feel loved. Even if a gorilla gave me a massage, I’d feel totally loved. My wife used to frequently tell me she loved me because that’s what she wanted to hear. When people are unaware of their partner’s preferred ways of feeling loved, they end up expending a lot of energy that goes unappreciated. Yet by knowing exactly what helps your partner feel safe and loved, it becomes infinitely easier to create intimacy on a consistent basis.

There is a simple exercise you can do with your partner to find out how best to “charm their heart.” Have him or her become comfortable in a chair, and then say the following: “Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and begin to think of a specific time you felt really loved by me. Remember that time as clearly as you can. Remember where we were, what we were doing, and exactly what happened that let you know I really loved you.” Give your partner a minute or so to fully re-experience such a moment. Then proceed, “What was most important in letting you know I fully loved you? Was it something I said, or the way I looked at you, the way I touched you, or something else? What exactly helped you to know that I really loved you?” Listen carefully to what your partner says, because the answer(s) to this question can transform your relationship.

By knowing how your own heart is charmed, you can reveal this important information to your partner. Try the previous exercise on yourself, or have your partner read it to you. You may be surprised to discover exactly what your partner does that creates a warm feeling of safety and love in you. Once your mate knows how to help you feel loved, they can more easily and consistently show you they care.

Every time you charm your partner’s heart, you’re making a “loving deposit” in to your “shared love account.” Your shared love account is like a bank balance you share together. When things are going well, there’s a lot of love put into “savings.” When both of you consistently make deposits into your shared account, you feel abundantly in love. It’s much easier to handle problems when there’s an abundance of love in your love account. Therefore, make frequent deposits of love in your relationship account by charming your partner’s heart. Remember to do the little actions that make a big difference in how your partner feels. It will immediately help both of you feel wonderfully intimate, and when problems arise, you’ll have plenty of love “banked” to help you ride out the storm.