With Thanksgiving upon us, I thought it was a good idea to blog about giving thanks and the power of gratitude. In my book The Experience of God, I asked each of the forty well-known spiritual leaders I interviewed about their favorite method of feeling closer to their Creator. While the range of responses was surprising, the answer I heard more than any other was that of focusing on feeling grateful to God throughout the day. As Ram Dass put it, “Gratitude opens your heart, and opening your heart is a wonderful and easy way for God to slip in.”
In Western culture, we often think of prayer as asking God for something. Yet, in many spiritual traditions, prayer is primarily considered a way of thanking God for the blessings in one’s life. Many years ago, I received an important lesson about “thankfulness prayer” from a Native American medicine man named Bear. As a condition of being interviewed about his life, Bear requested we meet at a location sacred to his tribe. Once there, he suggested that both of us begin by offering up a prayer to the Great Spirit. My simple prayer was that our time together be well spent, and that it would serve our becoming closer to God. The bear began his prayer in his native tongue, as I listened patiently. After ten minutes of listening to the sounds of his tribal language, I began getting impatient. After twenty minutes of listening to his prayer, I was secretly irritated. While I grew restless, Bear looked like he was soaring as high as the eagles that flew overhead. Finally, after fifty minutes, Bear finished speaking his words of prayer.
Trying to hide my sense of irritation, I began my interview by asking Bear, “What did you pray for?” Bear’s calm reply was, “In my tribe, we don’t pray for anything. We give thanks for all that the Great Spirit has given us. In my prayers, I simply thanked Spirit for everything I can see around me. I gave thanks to each and every tree I can see from here, each rock, each squirrel, the sun, the clouds, my legs, my arms, each bird that flew by, each breath I took, until I was finally in full alignment with the Great Spirit.” It was clear to me that this man really knew how to pray.
From Bear’s inspiration and the wisdom of many others
I’ve interviewed, I began trying this new method of prayer. To make this form of prayer in my daily life, I began by simply saying, “Thank you God for (whatever is in my awareness).” Sometimes I would “prime the pump” by first thanking God for things that are easy for me to feel grateful for. For example, I might say, “Thank you for my health. Thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for my wonderful wife.” Then, once I truly felt a sense of gratitude in my heart, I would use “thank you” as a “mantra” for whatever I was currently aware of. For instance, if I was driving somewhere I might say, “Thank you for my car, thank you for my Iphone, thank you for this beautiful music, thank you for this nicely paved road, thank you for the man that just cut me off, thank you for the anger that he stirred up in me, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness.”
The secret of this technique is to see all things as gifts given to us by God to enjoy or learn from. Normally, we take virtually everything for granted, and rarely stop to appreciate the wonderful things we are given. It can be eye opening to realize that even middle class folks of today live better than Kings lived just 100 years ago. Yet, without the “thank you technique,” all the amenities of modern day life can go unappreciated.
Once you have used this method for awhile, you can even use it to begin to value things that are unpleasant. In the example above, getting cut off by an aggressive driver was not my idea of a good time. Yet, if I’m doing my “thank you” mantra, I’m more likely to see how such an event can serve me. From a higher state of mind, I can see that this driver is helping me learn patience, compassion, and forgiveness—three things I’m not very good at. Fortunately, there are many drivers and people who are willing to help me learn this lesson! Thank you God for all that help.
Like any mantra or phrase that a person repeats, repeatedly saying “thank you” can build up a momentum of its own as you use it throughout the day. However, it’s important that it doesn’t become a mechanical mental exercise. With each thank you that is thought, it’s essential to feel a sense of appreciation in your heart for the gift you’ve been given. Besides helping a person tune into an ecstatic feeling of gratitude, this method can also help a person become more aware and present in the eternal now.
As a psychotherapist, I often counsel couples who frequently argue. Early in my career, I tried to help these people with communication techniques aimed at helping them be more open with each other. Yet, it rarely worked. They would simply forget the method and continue with their verbal attacks. When I realized couples behave like hurt infants when they get into a fight, I asked myself, “What helps crying infants to feel better?” The answer was obvious–they like to be held. As parents gently hold their baby, the baby soon feels better. Before you know it, the infant is giggling and happy. I wondered if a similar approach might work with adults. After much trial and error, I found something that works even better than I expected. I call it “The Spoon Tune.”
while in a spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate. Generally, it is best for the bigger partner to follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least four minutes. Do not say anything. As soon as your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.
Once you begin the Spoon Tune, no talking allowed. If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that is not possible “spoon” standing up. The key to doing this method successfully is to breathe together. As you breathe together, try to focus on and be present with each breath. Use your breath as a meditation. By focusing on your breath as it goes in and out in rhythm with your partner’s breath, you will feel more peaceful, safe, and connected, spoon for at least three minutes.
I recently took an online course called “Awakening Joy.” It was quite good, maybe even as good as my own online course called “
For example, today I was playing with my dog and we were both having a great time. Then, when she was done with playing, she came over to cuddle with me in my lap. We cuddled for a moment, and I enjoyed the feeling of petting her and feeling my deep love for her. Then after a minute, I had the thought, “What do I need to do next?” Of course, my “list” is never done, so there were plenty of things to do, but why did I need to curtail such a sweet moment so quickly? In fact, I did not have to, but I realized I have been trained by our culture to always be productive—even at the expense of hanging out with more moments of love, intimacy, and joy. Can you relate to this?
So having seen my own tendency to start thinking of my “to do” list in the midst of positive emotions, I have taken steps to go against it. Nowadays, when I see that I am curtailing a sweet and/or intimate moment, I try instead to stay with my positive experience. I take a deep breath and remind myself; nothing is more important than joyful moments. I attempt to “hang out” with such feelings until they naturally drift away.
Do bad memories or images ever haunt you? Do you sometimes flash back to some of the most traumatic moments of your past? For some reason, the human mind has a nasty tendency to forget important things like your mother’s birthday, but is more than happy to frequently remind you of the worst events of your life. Fortunately, there’s an antidote to this glitch in the human bio-computer. It’s called the Erasure Technique. In a matter of a few minutes, this powerful method can virtually neutralize the bad feelings associated with almost anything you’ve ever experienced. I’ve even used it with clients who have suffered from disturbing memories for many years. Whether you want to neutralize images of a minor car accident or the hurt from the ending of a relationship, the erasure technique can make a dramatic difference in your life. 
When clients come into my office, they describe many types of problems. Yet, whatever their situation, they almost always complain that they feel stuck in feelings of anger, sadness, fear or hurt. In order to help my clients, I teach them something called The Sensation Meditation (SM). This meditation guides people to focus on their negative feelings in a specific manner. By helping people fully feel their emotions without distraction, this meditation helps people move through “stuck” feelings into a place of healing. When people finish using this simple three minute technique, they frequently report that their negative feelings have vanished, and that their body feels relaxed, peaceful, and at ease.
When you were a child, your parents most likely rewarded you on a fairly regular basis. Perhaps they told you how pretty you were, or bought you an ice cream cone as a reward for cleaning the yard. However they did it, the rewards you received helped guide you, and made you feel loved. Unfortunately, once you left your parent’s home, there was probably no one around to play the role of encourager and guide for you. The truth is–if you don’t do it for yourself, it probably won’t get done. As adults, we need to learn how to give ourselves rewards so we can be encouraged to move in a positive direction. However, most adults either give themselves indulgences all the time, or they almost never do. By learning the art of giving ourselves rewards at appropriate times, we can come to benefit from this powerful tool. 
In the movie Snow White, the queen asks her mirror who is the “fairest one of all.” The mirror breaks the bad news to her that there is someone much more beautiful than she. Like the queen, most of us have bought the idea that we are not as beautiful, worthy of love, or as good as someone else. Capitalizing on our insecurities and lack of self-worth, advertisers tell us that if we were only richer or more beautiful, we’d be loved. Although we may know better in theory, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to gain recognition from others as a substitute for our lack of self-love. Yet, there is no substitute for really liking yourself. Even if the whole world applauds you, if you don’t feel good about yourself, it doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that most people don’t feel good about themselves. Therefore, what’s needed is a practical and powerful way to grow our sense of self-worth. Fortunately, there is a method that can greatly nurture and enhance a person’s sense of self esteem. I call it the Mirror Exercise (ME).
feeling pretty stressed lately, haven’t you? Well, you’ve been busy helping a lot of people. You need to remember to take care of yourself. You deserve it. You’ve worked hard. It’s amazing all the tasks you do. I’m proud of the fact that you’ve become a very giving person over the years. I appreciate how you’re really committed to helping others. I like you. You’re often a lot of fun to be with. Some of the stories you said last night at the party were really funny. I appreciate your sense of humor. You don’t have to try so hard to be liked—because you are liked. Not for what you do, but for who you are. I want you to know that you’re doing just fine. Allow yourself to relax more and just receive all the goodwill people feel towards you. I respect who you are, and I want you to know I love you.”
For example, you may try to do this exercise completely naked in front of a full-length mirror. Most people are at war with their bodies, but the ME can help. By starting with specific parts of your body that you like, you can eventually get to accept every part of your anatomy. During this form of the Mirror Exercise, talk to the various parts of your body and try to develop a better relationship with them. For example, you might say, “Hello nose. As you know, you’re bigger than I would like you to be, but I am grateful for all the wonderful smells you send my way. I’m going to try to appreciate you more. You really do a great job. Thank you for adding to my life.”
Too much to do, and not enough time to do it. Your boss yells at you for something that wasn’t even your fault; by the time you make it home, you’re fed up and stressed out. You slam the door, and then walk past your partner without saying a word. Your mate asks you about your day and why you slammed the door. Just the fact that they say anything to you makes you even more annoyed. You tell them, “I didn’t slam the door. There’s nothing wrong. Why do you always have to question me?” You spend the rest of the evening upset.