Do bad memories or images ever haunt you? Do you sometimes flash back to some of the most traumatic moments of your past? For some reason, the human mind has a nasty tendency to forget important things like your mother’s birthday, but is more than happy to frequently remind you of the worst events of your life. Fortunately, there’s an antidote to this glitch in the human bio-computer. It’s called the Erasure Technique. In a matter of a few minutes, this powerful method can virtually neutralize the bad feelings associated with almost anything you’ve ever experienced. I’ve even used it with clients who have suffered from disturbing memories for many years. Whether you want to neutralize images of a minor car accident or the hurt from the ending of a relationship, the erasure technique can make a dramatic difference in your life. Continue reading →
Tag Archives: overcoming self criticism
How to Let Go of Negative Emotions
When clients come into my office, they describe many types of problems. Yet, whatever their situation, they almost always complain that they feel stuck in feelings of anger, sadness, fear or hurt. In order to help my clients, I teach them something called The Sensation Meditation (SM). This meditation guides people to focus on their negative feelings in a specific manner. By helping people fully feel their emotions without distraction, this meditation helps people move through “stuck” feelings into a place of healing. When people finish using this simple three minute technique, they frequently report that their negative feelings have vanished, and that their body feels relaxed, peaceful, and at ease.
The first step in doing the Sensation Meditation is to find a comfortable chair or couch, and proceed to take a couple of slow, deep breaths. Then, scan your body and notice the most uncomfortable feeling or sensation you feel. Focus on this area of your body, and feel exactly whatever is there. For example, if you’re annoyed you might notice a tightness in your chest and a warm feeling in your throat. If you’re worried, you may notice a tension in your forehead muscles and shoulder blades. Ultimately, our emotions are experienced in our body as specific sensations such as warmth or coolness, tightness or relaxation, sharp or blunt, etc. As you notice uncomfortable sensations in your body, try to be aware of the resistance you have to experience these uncomfortable feelings. Instead of avoiding or pushing away the discomfort you feel, simply allow the sensations to be there. Give yourself full permission to feel whatever is going on in the present moment. Continue reading →
How to Encourage Yourself
When you were a child, your parents most likely rewarded you on a fairly regular basis. Perhaps they told you how pretty you were, or bought you an ice cream cone as a reward for cleaning the yard. However they did it, the rewards you received helped guide you, and made you feel loved. Unfortunately, once you left your parent’s home, there was probably no one around to play the role of encourager and guide for you. The truth is–if you don’t do it for yourself, it probably won’t get done. As adults, we need to learn how to give ourselves rewards so we can be encouraged to move in a positive direction. However, most adults either give themselves indulgences all the time, or they almost never do. By learning the art of giving ourselves rewards at appropriate times, we can come to benefit from this powerful tool. Continue reading →
How to Grow Your Self Esteem
In the movie Snow White, the queen asks her mirror who is the “fairest one of all.” The mirror breaks the bad news to her that there is someone much more beautiful than she. Like the queen, most of us have bought the idea that we are not as beautiful, worthy of love, or as good as someone else. Capitalizing on our insecurities and lack of self-worth, advertisers tell us that if we were only richer or more beautiful, we’d be loved. Although we may know better in theory, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to gain recognition from others as a substitute for our lack of self-love. Yet, there is no substitute for really liking yourself. Even if the whole world applauds you, if you don’t feel good about yourself, it doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that most people don’t feel good about themselves. Therefore, what’s needed is a practical and powerful way to grow our sense of self-worth. Fortunately, there is a method that can greatly nurture and enhance a person’s sense of self esteem. I call it the Mirror Exercise (ME).
To do the Mirror Exercise, simply go to a mirror, (or find a hand held one), and look yourself in the eyes. Notice what thoughts or feelings come up for you. Then, begin talking to yourself out loud, as if you were talking to a really good friend. Tell the person in the mirror how much you care and appreciate him or her. Acknowledge what you’re proud of. Say things that the person in the mirror needs to hear in order to feel accepted and cared for. Imagine that you’re talking to a young, vulnerable child who needs to be encouraged. Here’s what your “conversation” might sound like:
“Hello Jonathan. How are you?
You’ve been 
feeling pretty stressed lately, haven’t you? Well, you’ve been busy helping a lot of people. You need to remember to take care of yourself. You deserve it. You’ve worked hard. It’s amazing all the tasks you do. I’m proud of the fact that you’ve become a very giving person over the years. I appreciate how you’re really committed to helping others. I like you. You’re often a lot of fun to be with. Some of the stories you said last night at the party were really funny. I appreciate your sense of humor. You don’t have to try so hard to be liked—because you are liked. Not for what you do, but for who you are. I want you to know that you’re doing just fine. Allow yourself to relax more and just receive all the goodwill people feel towards you. I respect who you are, and I want you to know I love you.”
Although there is no formula for what to say during this exercise, it’s helpful if you steer clear of put-downs. If you notice you begin to think of negative judgments during the ME, tell those thoughts, “Thank you for sharing, but right now I’m committed to loving myself.” You may find this exercise difficult to do at first, but it becomes easier with practice. It’s common for negative thoughts to arise, especially when you are complementing yourself. As you practice this exercise, you’ll notice that the self-criticisms fade more into the background, and the self-appreciations are taken in at a deeper level. After awhile, you’ll begin to feel a deep love and compassion for the person in the mirror.
There are many variations to the basic ME that can be tried for different effects.
For example, you may try to do this exercise completely naked in front of a full-length mirror. Most people are at war with their bodies, but the ME can help. By starting with specific parts of your body that you like, you can eventually get to accept every part of your anatomy. During this form of the Mirror Exercise, talk to the various parts of your body and try to develop a better relationship with them. For example, you might say, “Hello nose. As you know, you’re bigger than I would like you to be, but I am grateful for all the wonderful smells you send my way. I’m going to try to appreciate you more. You really do a great job. Thank you for adding to my life.”
If you have favorite affirmations you use for your growth, telling them while you look in the mirror is a way to “turbo-charge” their effect on you. The simple affirmation, “I am committed to loving you and taking care of you” is a powerful statement to say to yourself. Because the Mirror Exercise is so effective, there is often a lot of resistance to doing it. You may feel squeamish, silly, or stupid at first. In general, feelings of embarrassment or resistance are all signs that you could greatly benefit from this method. At first, the ME can bring to the surface how difficult it is for you to feel or express love for yourself. Yet with practice, those initial feelings of armoring will get peeled off like layers of an onion. You’ll soon be left with a loving relationship with yourself. When you look into the mirror, you’ll no longer hear a critical voice saying how you’re not good enough. Instead, you’ll appreciate that you are an absolutely perfect rendition of yourself.
Overcoming Self-Criticism Through Humor and Failure
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”
I used to suffer greatly from a bad case of self-criticism, in my teenage years, it was so severe that I could never ask a girl out on a date. I feared that she’d say “no” and I’d end up spending the next week getting down on myself for my failure.
Finally, at age 17, I hit “threshold” and decided to get rejected by 10 girls in one day. I figured the best way out of my prison of fear was to face it head on.
I promised myself that if I got 10 rejections; I’d treat myself to a trip to Hawaii. By setting it up that getting 10 rejections equaled my ticket to Hawaii, I hoped to sidestep getting down on myself for being rejected so many times. Continue reading →