When you were a child, your parents most likely rewarded you on a fairly regular basis.  Perhaps they told you how pretty you were, or bought you an ice cream cone as a reward for cleaning the yard.  However they did it, the rewards you received helped guide you, and made you feel loved.  Unfortunately, once you left your parent’s home, there was probably no one  around to play the role of encourager and guide for you.  The truth is–if you don’t do it for yourself, it probably won’t get done.  As adults, we need to learn how to give ourselves rewards so we can be encouraged to move in a positive direction.   However, most adults either give themselves indulgences all the time, or they almost never do.   By learning the art of giving ourselves rewards at appropriate times, we can come to benefit from this powerful tool.

The first, and perhaps hardest task in learning to encourage yourself is to come up with a list of at least a dozen rewards.  What are rewards?  Basically, they are anything that you enjoy doing or having.  The best treats are ones that are not harmful to your health, are readily available, and don’t cost much.  That means that a week-long trip to Paris is a nice idea, but it wouldn’t be good to put on your list.   You can ask yourself, “What are little things I like to do or have that I rarely treat myself to?” After asking myself that question, I came up with the following list:

1. Taking a bath.
2. Listening to my favorite music for ½ an hour.
3. Eating some chips and salsa.
4. Going to a movie.
5. Going to my favorite nearby nature spot.
6. Calling one of my friend’s that live on the East coast.
7. Playing guitar.
8. Getting a professional massage, or a brief one from my partner.
9. Watching a favorite TV show.
10. Going to a favorite restaurant.
11. Being physically intimate with my partner.
12. Reading the newspaper.

Notice that some of the items on my list cost money, and some don’t.  Some involve other people, while others don’t.  Certain items can be done in five minutes, while others might take an entire evening.   It’s good to have a variety of items on your list so you can have different levels and types of rewards.   Once you’ve made your list, put a copy of it in a place where you’ll see it often.  People frequently forget to reward themselves for the hard work. If you have your list in a prominent place, it will help remind you that you need to take care of yourself.

With your rewards list done

You can now begin using it to shape your behavior.   The first thing you can do is ask yourself, “What would I like to encourage and motivate myself to do?”  Think of a few key behaviors that you know you should do, but often avoid doing.  Perhaps it’s exercising regularly, contacting new clients at work, or meditating every day.  Whatever it is, you can decide to give yourself an appropriate reward after you do what is difficult for you to do.  For large tasks, such as finishing a major project at work, you might give yourself a sizeable prize.  For small tasks, consider giving yourself just a small, simple treat.  After a while, your brain will get the message that it’s worth doing difficult tasks because you invariably get rewarded for your efforts.

Some people are used to giving themselves rewards all the time.  They eat big meals, go to movies, and take nice trips as an everyday occurrence in their life.  If you’re like that, then you might consider giving yourself your “normal rewards” only after you’ve done something you know would be good for you to do.  Each person must find a healthy balance between doing work and receiving rewards.  If you tend to be a workaholic, be sure to treat yourself to something pleasurable after each difficult task you complete.  If you tend to be indulgent, make your access to rewards dependent on completing some of your responsibilities.

A loving parent knows when their child needs encouragement, and when they need to be disciplined. Now that you’re all grown up, you need to decide for yourself what you need.  With practice, you’ll find the right amount of rewards that help you feel motivated, supported, and balanced in life.