One day I called up my friend, Susan, and asked her how she was. She said, “Things are great. Joe and I just got back from another week long vacation.” I realized that, just about every time I talked to Susan, she had recently gone on vacation. I was a bit annoyed and jealous. “How do you take so many vacations?” I asked. Her reply made me even more annoyed, “We simply make it a priority.” I felt a certain amount of self-pity as I shot back, “Boy, I wish my life was set up so I could take so much time off.” In a compassionate, yet direct manner, Susan replied, “You can if it’s important enough to you. Joe and I just decided we’d take eight weeks off each year. There’s a lot of resistance to doing that, but we’re committed to living the life that we want to live.” Continue reading →
Category Archives: Positive Psychology
The Power of Deliberate Kindness
Armed with the secret information I am about to reveal to you, you will soon have incredible power in making friends and business contacts. Since these human technologies are so powerful, I must first give you some warnings as to how to use them. Please don’t use the ideas I’m about to divulge as a way to manipulate people. If you do, people will eventually see through your charade. Instead, consider these tools for connecting with people as a way to extend your good, caring intentions. If you use these methods with good intentions, you and the people you connect with will be amply rewarded. Continue reading →
The Joy of Peak Moments
Why do people travel half way around the world to visit a place such as Disneyland, pay $125 to get in, and stand in line for an hour for a three minute ride? Because, as human beings, we crave peak moments. The desire for an intense, special, extraordinary experience is one of our deepest desires. That’s one of the major reasons why we like sex, falling in love, winning a big game, and weddings. Yet, peak moments need not be reserved for such major events. You can learn to create them in daily life with people you care about. Once you learn the skill of creating special times for other people, your relationships will never be the same. People will want to know you, do business with you, and even marry you because you know how to create a sense of aliveness wherever you are. There are four key concepts that can help you create more peak moments with your friends, mate, co-workers, and family. Continue reading →
How to Create a Deep Intimate Experience with a Loved One
In my book The Little Book of Big Questions I have a chapter called “The Spiritual Intimacy Experience.” It consists of fifteen questions partners can ask each other in order to develop a deeper connection. I received many letters from people stating that answering these questions with their mate led to the most profound experience of intimacy they had ever had.
Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, I thought it timely to give you this method for quickly deepening your level of intimacy with a mate or a friend. Continue reading →
How to Make New Year’s Resolutions that Work
It’s that time of the year again to make resolutions. Instead of making them and then breaking them like most people do, why not put some punch behind your resolutions? I helped invent a method that practically guarantees your resolutions will be kept. The technique, which I call the Integrity Contract, helps people stay motivated when the going gets tough. After all, it is only people who are consistent over a long period who ultimately succeed in life
In order to make consistent progress towards one’s goals, we need some form of immediate pain to occur if we fail to take appropriate action. If every time you failed to exercise three times a week you cut off a finger, you’d be a lot more consistent! Since no sane person would ever do that, you need to find an immediate pain you would be willing to give to yourself if you fail to act in beneficial ways. After much trial and error, I found a solution that worked. In the last fifteen years, I’ve taught the Integrity Contract method to thousands of people, and the results have been astounding. Here’s the essence of the technique:
Write a contract with yourself that states all the precise actions you’re willing to commit to do during the following week. Then write a statement that says, “For each of the items on this contract I fail to do by one week from today, I agree to rip up $2.” Finally, sign your contract, date it, and place it in a place you’ll see it every day. That’s it. Here’s an example of a simple contract:
“During the next week, I will exercise 3 times for a minimum of forty minutes. I will read a minimum of sixty pages from the book I got on investing. I will meditate for at least twenty minutes each day. For each task I don’t complete by January 7th, I will rip up $2.”
There are several reasons why this method is so effective. First, there is a clear proclamation of what you intend to do, and by when you intend to do it. Normally, people have a lot of lofty thoughts about what they could do to improve their life (aka New Year’s Resolutions), but these thoughts soon slip away. With the Integrity Contract method, you’ll have a visual reminder of what you’re committed to do. Second, with this technique, you’ll experience immediate pain if you fail to keep your word. Since your brain is always trying to avoid immediate pain, it will do its best to complete what’s on the contract.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s fine to not complete everything on your contract–as long as you rip up the money for the tasks you don’t finish. I’ve seen that, as long as people are willing to rip up money for failing to complete their contract, the method eventually works. Maybe not the first or second week, but by the third week you’ll find your mind screaming at you to complete whatever you wrote down.
Below is another example of how such a contract looks:
I, Jonathan, agree to do the following over the course of the next week:
a) Call five potential clients about my new seminar.
b) Wash my car, and put an ad in the paper to sell it.
c) Ask a friend to read my latest article and get their feedback.
d) Start a savings account to save money for a vacation to Europe.
For each of the above items I fail to complete by 5:00 p.m. next Thursday, I agree to rip up $2.
(date) (signature)________________________
Then put the contract in a place where you will see it daily. Bathroom mirrors are good. So are car dashboards. At the end of the week, evaluate how you did. If you did not complete any items on your contract, no matter what your excuse, tear up the appropriate amount of money.
Think of how quickly you could turn your goals into a reality if you made progress on them each week. Let this year be a year in which you keep your resolutions and your promises to yourself. People who have the patience to slowly but surely make progress on their goals are the people who succeed in life.
As an added way to make sure you get support to turn your New Year’s resolutions and dreams into reality, I am offering a Free teleconference call on January 2nd.
It’s called “The Best Ways to Increase Happiness
Lastly, feel free to pass this blog on to your friends and family. Wouldn’t it be great if they also started the New Year off on the right foot? Then, you could support each other towards making 2014 an amazing year of growth, love, and joy. By signing up for my free preview call and/or signing up for my “Happiness Through Great Relationships” Course, you’ll be giving your friends and family an opportunity to make 2014 their best year yet.
Sign up for FREE PREVIEW call here:
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Letting Happiness In
I recently took an online course called “Awakening Joy.” It was quite good, maybe even as good as my own online course called “Deeper Happiness.”(Of course, it did cost five times as much as my course!) Even though it was expensive, it was worth it to me because I learned something valuable. What I learned from this course was really just one new thing — which I plan to share with you in a moment. Yet, even if you learn just one new thing from a course or a workshop, it is still very much worth it. After all, that one new “thing” will potentially be able to affect you for the rest of your life. If something you learn ends up having practical value to you for the rest of your life, then its value is priceless.
What I learned from the Awakening Joy course was the importance of allowing time for positive moments in one’s life. Being that I am a so-called “happiness expert,” I already knew the importance of allowing time for positive feelings. Yet, as I watched myself throughout the day, I noticed something interesting. In the midst of sweet moments or intimate moments with a friend—or simply moments of deep peace—I would often think of what I have to do next on my “to do” list. Then, I would curtail my joyful experience and do whatever I felt compelled to do. After watching this a few times, I realized I was ripping myself off from experiencing more truly joyful moments.
For example, today I was playing with my dog and we were both having a great time. Then, when she was done with playing, she came over to cuddle with me in my lap. We cuddled for a moment, and I enjoyed the feeling of petting her and feeling my deep love for her. Then after a minute, I had the thought, “What do I need to do next?” Of course, my “list” is never done, so there were plenty of things to do, but why did I need to curtail such a sweet moment so quickly? In fact, I did not have to, but I realized I have been trained by our culture to always be productive—even at the expense of hanging out with more moments of love, intimacy, and joy. Can you relate to this?
Author Gay Hendricks calls this phenomenon the “Upper Limit Problem”
When we are feeling good, we often will stop what we are feeling and look for some problem or distraction to occupy our mind and emotions. It is as if we have an internal thermostat ready to kick in with negativity or worry anytime our internal temperature (positive feelings) get too high. As a psychotherapist, I have noticed this phenomenon in couples that sabotage a relationship when it is going really well, or people who sabotage a business just when they are starting to make a lot of money. Yet, once I saw how it manifested in the little moments of my daily life, I knew it was important to watch out for.
So having seen my own tendency to start thinking of my “to do” list in the midst of positive emotions, I have taken steps to go against it. Nowadays, when I see that I am curtailing a sweet and/or intimate moment, I try instead to stay with my positive experience. I take a deep breath and remind myself; nothing is more important than joyful moments. I attempt to “hang out” with such feelings until they naturally drift away.
This simple little practice has added immensely to the quantity of joyful moments I have in my life. If you can relate to my experience, then I challenge you to allow more time for your own positive feelings. Notice what you do to curtail such moments, and once you “catch” yourself in the act, take a deep breath and allow yourself to simply BE. Your partner, your pets, and your joyful heart will thank me…
How to Easily Overcome Disturbing Memories
Do bad memories or images ever haunt you? Do you sometimes flash back to some of the most traumatic moments of your past? For some reason, the human mind has a nasty tendency to forget important things like your mother’s birthday, but is more than happy to frequently remind you of the worst events of your life. Fortunately, there’s an antidote to this glitch in the human bio-computer. It’s called the Erasure Technique. In a matter of a few minutes, this powerful method can virtually neutralize the bad feelings associated with almost anything you’ve ever experienced. I’ve even used it with clients who have suffered from disturbing memories for many years. Whether you want to neutralize images of a minor car accident or the hurt from the ending of a relationship, the erasure technique can make a dramatic difference in your life. Continue reading →
How to Encourage Yourself
When you were a child, your parents most likely rewarded you on a fairly regular basis. Perhaps they told you how pretty you were, or bought you an ice cream cone as a reward for cleaning the yard. However they did it, the rewards you received helped guide you, and made you feel loved. Unfortunately, once you left your parent’s home, there was probably no one around to play the role of encourager and guide for you. The truth is–if you don’t do it for yourself, it probably won’t get done. As adults, we need to learn how to give ourselves rewards so we can be encouraged to move in a positive direction. However, most adults either give themselves indulgences all the time, or they almost never do. By learning the art of giving ourselves rewards at appropriate times, we can come to benefit from this powerful tool. Continue reading →
How to Grow Your Self Esteem
In the movie Snow White, the queen asks her mirror who is the “fairest one of all.” The mirror breaks the bad news to her that there is someone much more beautiful than she. Like the queen, most of us have bought the idea that we are not as beautiful, worthy of love, or as good as someone else. Capitalizing on our insecurities and lack of self-worth, advertisers tell us that if we were only richer or more beautiful, we’d be loved. Although we may know better in theory, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to gain recognition from others as a substitute for our lack of self-love. Yet, there is no substitute for really liking yourself. Even if the whole world applauds you, if you don’t feel good about yourself, it doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that most people don’t feel good about themselves. Therefore, what’s needed is a practical and powerful way to grow our sense of self-worth. Fortunately, there is a method that can greatly nurture and enhance a person’s sense of self esteem. I call it the Mirror Exercise (ME).
To do the Mirror Exercise, simply go to a mirror, (or find a hand held one), and look yourself in the eyes. Notice what thoughts or feelings come up for you. Then, begin talking to yourself out loud, as if you were talking to a really good friend. Tell the person in the mirror how much you care and appreciate him or her. Acknowledge what you’re proud of. Say things that the person in the mirror needs to hear in order to feel accepted and cared for. Imagine that you’re talking to a young, vulnerable child who needs to be encouraged. Here’s what your “conversation” might sound like:
“Hello Jonathan. How are you?
You’ve been 
feeling pretty stressed lately, haven’t you? Well, you’ve been busy helping a lot of people. You need to remember to take care of yourself. You deserve it. You’ve worked hard. It’s amazing all the tasks you do. I’m proud of the fact that you’ve become a very giving person over the years. I appreciate how you’re really committed to helping others. I like you. You’re often a lot of fun to be with. Some of the stories you said last night at the party were really funny. I appreciate your sense of humor. You don’t have to try so hard to be liked—because you are liked. Not for what you do, but for who you are. I want you to know that you’re doing just fine. Allow yourself to relax more and just receive all the goodwill people feel towards you. I respect who you are, and I want you to know I love you.”
Although there is no formula for what to say during this exercise, it’s helpful if you steer clear of put-downs. If you notice you begin to think of negative judgments during the ME, tell those thoughts, “Thank you for sharing, but right now I’m committed to loving myself.” You may find this exercise difficult to do at first, but it becomes easier with practice. It’s common for negative thoughts to arise, especially when you are complementing yourself. As you practice this exercise, you’ll notice that the self-criticisms fade more into the background, and the self-appreciations are taken in at a deeper level. After awhile, you’ll begin to feel a deep love and compassion for the person in the mirror.
There are many variations to the basic ME that can be tried for different effects.
For example, you may try to do this exercise completely naked in front of a full-length mirror. Most people are at war with their bodies, but the ME can help. By starting with specific parts of your body that you like, you can eventually get to accept every part of your anatomy. During this form of the Mirror Exercise, talk to the various parts of your body and try to develop a better relationship with them. For example, you might say, “Hello nose. As you know, you’re bigger than I would like you to be, but I am grateful for all the wonderful smells you send my way. I’m going to try to appreciate you more. You really do a great job. Thank you for adding to my life.”
If you have favorite affirmations you use for your growth, telling them while you look in the mirror is a way to “turbo-charge” their effect on you. The simple affirmation, “I am committed to loving you and taking care of you” is a powerful statement to say to yourself. Because the Mirror Exercise is so effective, there is often a lot of resistance to doing it. You may feel squeamish, silly, or stupid at first. In general, feelings of embarrassment or resistance are all signs that you could greatly benefit from this method. At first, the ME can bring to the surface how difficult it is for you to feel or express love for yourself. Yet with practice, those initial feelings of armoring will get peeled off like layers of an onion. You’ll soon be left with a loving relationship with yourself. When you look into the mirror, you’ll no longer hear a critical voice saying how you’re not good enough. Instead, you’ll appreciate that you are an absolutely perfect rendition of yourself.
I’d Love to Inspire You Today!
I am very excited to share some great news with you. Today, I am the featured Inspirational Luminary on InspireMeToday.com, which allows me to share some of my wisdom with people around the world.
The Inspire Me Today website features “useful ideas” of a new Luminary every day, and I am honored to be chosen as one of them. On this site, you can read a brief article on a specific idea meant to inspire you and be truly useful in your life. Other Inspire Me Today picks have included Sir Richard Branson, Guy Laliberte, Seth Godin, Neale Donald Walsch, and many more.
Please visit the site on February 21st, 2013 and help me inspire the world. If my traffic and comments break records, InspireMeToday.com will share my content with millions of additional people too! I hope you’ll check it out, leave a comment and share it with your friends. To help you stay inspired, they also provide 3 minute ‘Today’s Brilliance’ pick-me-ups each day by email, by RSS feed or in an iPhone app.
From the folks at Inspire Me Today and from me, thank you in advance for your kind support. Together we really can inspire the world.
Be inspired,
Jonathan