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My New Book “Find Happiness Now”

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on June 24, 2014 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

find_happiness_now (1)What do you want in life?  You may think it’s money, or a hot relationship or a better job, but why do you want those things?  Because you think if you had them, you’d be even happier.   I call this belief the “as soon as” method for finding happiness.  You think “As soon as I have more money, or as soon as I lose 10 pounds, or as soon as I find my soul mate, THEN I will be happy.”  I have good news and bad news for you. First, the bad news:  if you are a member of the “as soon as” approach to finding happiness, you’ll never be happy for long.

But there’s good news.  Recent research shows that happiness can be learned, and it doesn’t require that you change anything in your life.   In my new book, “Find Happiness Now”  I reveal simple ways you can: Continue reading →

Posted in Books, How to Be Happy, How to Find Happiness, Jonathan Robinson | Tagged book, finding, Jonathan Robinson, life, love, manage, positive psychology

The Joy of Peak Moments

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on March 25, 2014 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

monks_roller_coasterWhy do people travel half way around the world to visit a place such as Disneyland, pay $125 to get in, and stand in line for an hour for a three minute ride?  Because, as human beings, we crave peak moments.  The desire for an intense, special, extraordinary experience is one of our deepest desires.  That’s one of the major reasons why we like sex, falling in love, winning a big game, and weddings.  Yet, peak moments need not be reserved for such major events.  You can learn to create them in daily life with people you care about.  Once you learn the skill of creating special times for other people, your relationships will never be the same.  People will want to know you, do business with you, and even marry you because you know how to create a sense of aliveness wherever you are. There are four key concepts that can help you create more peak moments with your friends, mate, co-workers, and family. Continue reading →

Posted in Being Present, Gratitude, Inspire Me Today, Jonathan Robinson, Key to Happiness, Positive Psychology | Tagged experience, finding, happiness, Joonathan Robinson, joy, positive psychology

How to Pray Without Ceasing

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on November 26, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

heartWith Thanksgiving upon us, I thought it was a good idea to blog about giving thanks and the power of gratitude.  In my book The Experience of God, I asked each of the forty well-known spiritual leaders I interviewed about their favorite method of feeling closer to their Creator.  While the range of responses was surprising, the answer I heard more than any other was that of focusing on feeling grateful to God throughout the day.  As Ram Dass put it, “Gratitude opens your heart, and opening your heart is a wonderful and easy way for God to slip in.”

In Western culture, we often think of prayer as asking God for something.  Yet, in many spiritual traditions, prayer is primarily considered a way of thanking God for the blessings in one’s life.  Many years ago, I received an important lesson about “thankfulness prayer” from a Native American medicine man named Bear.   As a condition of being interviewed about his life, Bear requested we meet at a location sacred to his tribe.  Once there, he suggested that both of us begin by offering up a prayer to the Great Spirit.  My simple prayer was that our time together be well spent, and that it would serve our becoming closer to God.  The bear began his prayer in his native tongue, as I listened patiently.  After ten minutes of listening to the sounds of his tribal language, I began getting impatient.  After twenty minutes of listening to his prayer, I was secretly irritated. While I grew restless, Bear looked like he was soaring as high as the eagles that flew overhead. Finally, after fifty minutes, Bear finished speaking his words of prayer.

Trying to hide my sense of irritation, I began my interview by asking Bear, “What did you pray for?”  Bear’s calm reply was, “In my tribe, we don’t pray for anything.  We give thanks for all that the Great Spirit has given us.  In my prayers, I simply thanked Spirit for everything I can see around me.  I gave thanks to each and every tree I can see from here, each rock, each squirrel, the sun, the clouds, my legs, my arms, each bird that flew by, each breath I took, until I was finally in full alignment with the Great Spirit.”  It was clear to me that this man really knew how to pray.

thanksFrom Bear’s inspiration and the wisdom of many others

I’ve interviewed, I began trying this new method of prayer.  To make this form of prayer in my daily life, I began by simply saying, “Thank you God for (whatever is in my awareness).”  Sometimes I would “prime the pump” by first thanking God for things that are easy for me to feel grateful for.  For example, I might say, “Thank you for my health.  Thank you for such a beautiful day.  Thank you for my wonderful wife.”  Then, once I truly felt a sense of gratitude in my heart, I would use “thank you” as a “mantra” for whatever I was currently aware of.  For instance, if I was driving somewhere I might say, “Thank you for my car, thank you for my Iphone, thank you for this beautiful music, thank you for this nicely paved road, thank you for the man that just cut me off, thank you for the anger that he stirred up in me, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness.”

The secret of this technique is to see all things as gifts given to us by God to enjoy or learn from.  Normally, we take virtually everything for granted, and rarely stop to appreciate the wonderful things we are given.  It can be eye opening to realize that even middle class folks of today live better than Kings lived just 100 years ago.  Yet, without the “thank you technique,” all the amenities of modern day life can go unappreciated.

ThankfulOnce you have used this method for awhile, you can even use it to begin to value things that are unpleasant.  In the example above, getting cut off by an aggressive driver was not my idea of a good time.  Yet, if I’m doing my “thank you” mantra, I’m more likely to see how such an event can serve me.  From a higher state of mind, I can see that this driver is helping me learn patience, compassion, and forgiveness—three things I’m not very good at.  Fortunately, there are many drivers and people who are willing to help me learn this lesson!  Thank you God for all that help.

Like any mantra or phrase that a person repeats, repeatedly saying “thank you” can build up a momentum of its own as you use it throughout the day.  However, it’s important that it doesn’t become a mechanical mental exercise.  With each thank you that is thought, it’s essential to feel a sense of appreciation in your heart for the gift you’ve been given.  Besides helping a person tune into an ecstatic feeling of gratitude, this method can also help a person become more aware and present in the eternal now.

 

Posted in Gratitude, Gratitude Journal, Gratitude List, Inspire Me Today, Jonathan Robinson | Tagged experience, finding, how to be happy, independence, inspire, Jonathan Robinson, joy, life, love, manage, prayer

How to Never Argue Again

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on November 15, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

kids arguingAs a psychotherapist, I often counsel couples who frequently argue. Early in my career, I tried to help these people with communication techniques aimed at helping them be more open with each other. Yet, it rarely worked. They would simply forget the method and continue with their verbal attacks. When I realized couples behave like hurt infants when they get into a fight, I asked myself, “What helps crying infants to feel better?” The answer was obvious–they like to be held. As parents gently hold their baby, the baby soon feels better. Before you know it, the infant is giggling and happy. I wondered if a similar approach might work with adults. After much trial and error, I found something that works even better than I expected. I call it “The Spoon Tune.”

One of the great things about the Spoon Tune is how easy it is. When we are upset, we do not have the capacity to do anything complicated. Luckily, the Spoon Tune has just two simple steps to it. First, at the earliest sign of upset, lie down with your partner in “spooning” position. Spooning is the way in which many couples sleep. It consists of having one person’s front side hugging the other person’s backside. Couples can also “spoon” standing up if they are in a place where they cannot lie down, or there is no place to do so. Although holding your partner in this manner is hard to do when you are upset, direct yourself to do it. Sometimes I think to myself that I have a choice between spooning for four minutes and feeling fine or staying upset and ruining the rest of the day. When I clearly see that those are my two options, I begin spooning.

Next, spooningwhile in a spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate. Generally, it is best for the bigger partner to follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least four minutes. Do not say anything. As soon as your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.

No matter how upset you are

At the beginning of this simple exercise, you will find yourself quickly calming down. The combination of being in the spooning position and breathing together puts people back on the same wavelength. When you share energy in this way, it creates a feeling of safety and connection at a very deep level. Although your mind may be racing and storming, your bodies and souls cannot help but connect. By the end of a few minutes, you may not even remember what you were upset. At the very least, you will feel more connected and safe, and are much better able to work things out without hurting each other. Oftentimes, the “issue”, which seemed so big just minutes before, will have become totally unimportant.

lionsOnce you begin the Spoon Tune, no talking allowed. If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that is not possible “spoon” standing up. The key to doing this method successfully is to breathe together. As you breathe together, try to focus on and be present with each breath. Use your breath as a meditation. By focusing on your breath as it goes in and out in rhythm with your partner’s breath, you will feel more peaceful, safe, and connected, spoon for at least three minutes.

Once you are done spooning, you have a couple of options.  You can simply forget about whatever led to the upset and go about your business, or, if you feel it’s necessary, you can talk things over with your partner.  If you need to work something out, you will be in a much better frame of mind to do so.

You need not wait until you are upset to use the Spoon Tune. In fact, it is a great way to connect with your partner anytime. Many couples find it to be an easy and satisfying way to unwind after a stressful day. It can also be a very effective way to connect with your partner before making love. The hardest thing about this method is remembering to use it. Make an agreement that either you or your partner can ask for a “spooning” if you feel like your tempers are starting to get the best of you. Be on the lookout for times when you or your partner begin to get upset, or you both feel stressed. In order to use the Spoon Tune correctly the first time you get angry at each other, it is a good idea to try a practice run when you are not upset. Once you use it the first time and see how well it works, you will be hooked.

 

Posted in Anger, Being Present, Gratitude, Healthy Relationships, How to Be Happy, How to Find Happiness, Jonathan Robinson | Tagged experience, finding, happiness, how to be happy, Jonathan Robinson, partner, positive psychology

Letting Happiness In

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on November 5, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

jump-for-joyI recently took an online course called “Awakening Joy.” It was quite good, maybe even as good as my own online course called “Deeper Happiness.”(Of course, it did cost five times as much as my course!) Even though it was expensive, it was worth it to me because I learned something valuable. What I learned from this course was really just one new thing — which I plan to share with you in a moment. Yet, even if you learn just one new thing from a course or a workshop, it is still very much worth it. After all, that one new “thing” will potentially be able to affect you for the rest of your life. If something you learn ends up having practical value to you for the rest of your life, then its value is priceless.

 

What I learned from the Awakening Joy course was the importance of allowing time for positive moments in one’s life. Being that I am a so-called “happiness expert,” I already knew the importance of allowing time for positive feelings. Yet, as I watched myself throughout the day, I noticed something interesting. In the midst of sweet moments or intimate moments with a friend—or simply moments of deep peace—I would often think of what I have to do next on my “to do” list. Then, I would curtail my joyful experience and do whatever I felt compelled to do. After watching this a few times, I realized I was ripping myself off from experiencing more truly joyful moments.

dog on lapFor example, today I was playing with my dog and we were both having a great time. Then, when she was done with playing, she came over to cuddle with me in my lap. We cuddled for a moment, and I enjoyed the feeling of petting her and feeling my deep love for her. Then after a minute, I had the thought, “What do I need to do next?” Of course, my “list” is never done, so there were plenty of things to do, but why did I need to curtail such a sweet moment so quickly? In fact, I did not have to, but I realized I have been trained by our culture to always be productive—even at the expense of hanging out with more moments of love, intimacy, and joy. Can you relate to this?

Author Gay Hendricks calls this phenomenon the “Upper Limit Problem”

When we are feeling good, we often will stop what we are feeling and look for some problem or distraction to occupy our mind and emotions. It is as if we have an internal thermostat ready to kick in with negativity or worry anytime our internal temperature (positive feelings) get too high. As a psychotherapist, I have noticed this phenomenon in couples that sabotage a relationship when it is going really well, or people who sabotage a business just when they are starting to make a lot of money. Yet, once I saw how it manifested in the little moments of my daily life, I knew it was important to watch out for.

dog kissSo having seen my own tendency to start thinking of my “to do” list in the midst of positive emotions, I have taken steps to go against it. Nowadays, when I see that I am curtailing a sweet and/or intimate moment, I try instead to stay with my positive experience. I take a deep breath and remind myself; nothing is more important than joyful moments.  I attempt to “hang out” with such feelings until they naturally drift away.

This simple little practice has added immensely to the quantity of joyful moments I have in my life. If you can relate to my experience, then I challenge you to allow more time for your own positive feelings. Notice what you do to curtail such moments, and once you “catch” yourself in the act, take a deep breath and allow yourself to simply BE.  Your partner, your pets, and your joyful heart will thank me…

Posted in Being Present, How to Find Happiness, Inspire Me Today, Jonathan Robinson, Positive Psychology | Tagged experience, finding, happiness, how to be happy, Jonathan Robinson, joy, life, manage, positive psychology

How to Grow Your Self Esteem

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on September 13, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

mirrorIn the movie Snow White, the queen asks her mirror who is the “fairest one of all.”  The mirror breaks the bad news to her that there is someone much more beautiful than she.  Like the queen, most of us have bought the idea that we are not as beautiful, worthy of love, or as good as someone else.  Capitalizing on our insecurities and lack of self-worth, advertisers tell us that if we were only richer or more beautiful, we’d be loved.  Although we may know better in theory, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to gain recognition from others as a substitute for our lack of self-love. Yet, there is no substitute for really liking yourself.  Even if the whole world applauds you, if you don’t feel good about yourself, it doesn’t matter.  Unfortunately, the sad truth is that most people don’t feel good about themselves.  Therefore, what’s needed is a practical and powerful way to grow our sense of self-worth.  Fortunately, there is a method that can greatly nurture and enhance a person’s sense of self esteem. I call it the Mirror Exercise (ME).

To do the Mirror Exercise, simply go to a mirror, (or find a hand held one), and look  yourself in the eyes.  Notice what thoughts or feelings come up for you.  Then, begin talking to yourself out loud, as if you were talking to a really good friend.  Tell the person in the mirror how much you care and appreciate him or her.   Acknowledge what you’re proud of.  Say things that the person in the mirror needs to hear in order to feel accepted and cared for. Imagine that you’re talking to a young, vulnerable child who needs to be encouraged.  Here’s what your “conversation” might sound like:

 “Hello Jonathan. How are you?

You’ve been girlsfeeling pretty stressed lately, haven’t you? Well, you’ve been busy helping a lot of people.  You need to remember to take care of yourself.  You deserve it.  You’ve worked hard.  It’s amazing all the tasks you do.  I’m proud of the fact that you’ve become a very giving person over the years.  I appreciate how you’re really committed to helping others.  I like you.  You’re often a lot of fun to be with.  Some of the stories you said last night at the party were really funny.  I appreciate your sense of humor. You don’t have to try so hard to be liked—because you are liked. Not for what you do, but for who you are. I want you to know that you’re doing just fine.  Allow yourself to relax more and just receive all the goodwill people feel towards you. I respect who you are, and I want you to know I love you.”

Although there is no formula for what to say during this exercise, it’s helpful if you steer clear of put-downs.  If you notice you begin to think of negative judgments during the ME, tell those thoughts, “Thank you for sharing, but right now I’m committed to loving myself.” You may find this exercise difficult to do at first, but it becomes easier with practice. It’s common for negative thoughts to arise, especially when you are complementing yourself.  As you practice  this exercise, you’ll notice that the self-criticisms fade more into the background, and the self-appreciations are taken in at a deeper level.  After awhile, you’ll begin to feel a deep love and compassion for the person in the mirror.

 There are many variations to the basic ME that can be tried for different effects.

babyFor example, you may try to do this exercise completely naked in front of a full-length mirror.  Most people are at war with their bodies, but the ME can help.  By starting with specific parts of your body that you like, you can eventually get to accept every part of your anatomy.  During this form of the Mirror Exercise, talk to the various parts of your body and try to develop a better relationship with them. For example, you might say, “Hello nose.  As you know, you’re bigger than I would like you to be, but I am grateful for all the wonderful smells you send my way.  I’m going to try to appreciate you more.  You really do a great job.  Thank you for adding to my life.”

If you have favorite affirmations you use for your growth, telling them while you look in the mirror is a way to “turbo-charge” their effect on you.  The simple affirmation, “I am committed to loving you and taking care of you” is a powerful statement to say to yourself.    Because the Mirror Exercise is so effective, there is often a lot of resistance to doing it. You may feel squeamish, silly, or stupid at first.  In general, feelings of embarrassment or resistance are all signs that you could greatly benefit from this method. At first, the ME can bring to the surface how difficult it is for you to feel or express love for yourself.   Yet with practice, those initial feelings of armoring will get peeled off like layers of an onion.  You’ll soon be left with a loving relationship with yourself.  When you look into the mirror, you’ll no longer hear a critical voice saying how you’re not good enough.  Instead, you’ll appreciate that you are an absolutely perfect rendition of yourself.

 

Posted in Jonathan Robinson, Key to Happiness, Positive Psychology | Tagged Joonathan Robinson, joy, life, manage, overcoming self criticism, positive psychology

Let’s All Celebrate Anti-Independence Day

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on July 4, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

 

fireWe’ve all celebrated Independence Day.  I say it’s time we graduate from that teenage like holiday and start celebrating Anti-Independence Day.  Perhaps we could call it Interdependence Day. The July 4th holiday and the American cult/culture it helped create celebrates our desire to be and do whatever we want.  That’s a good start.  Yet, that’s not the end of our journey, just like being a teenager is not the end point of a person’s maturity level.  The truth is that we live in an interdependent world, and if we hope to make the world a better place, we need to acknowledge that we’re all in this together.

Before becoming mature adults, teens need to first assert their independence.  But the goal for a teen is to not stop there.  A middle-aged person still partying and being reckless like a teen is not a pretty sight.  But isn’t that what we’re doing?  The U.S.A. has been around for well over 200 years, yet we’re still proclaiming we’re the greatest and we don’t need anyone else.   Immigrants? We don’t need them.   The poor?  Let them fend for themselves.

Like a cancer that grows at the expense of the body that supports it, too much of a focus on “me” and my wants can be bad for the human body—or the human race.  In an age when even our phones and tablets start with the pronoun “I,” what we need is a little more “we.”

On a practical level, what would this look like?  It might look like people deciding to forego more hours at work for more time with their family– or volunteering at a soup kitchen.  It might look like being kinder to your neighbor or your co-worker.  After all, if we truly are interdependent, then what goes around comes around.

As a happiness “expert”

I find it interesting that the number one way to quickly boost one’s happiness involves asking yourself a simple question.  The question is, “What act of kindness can I do for a stranger or a friend today?”   Since we truly are all connected, when we acknowledge that fact by an act of kindness, we actually feel happier.

So I propose we celebrate Interdependence Day. We could make it on July 5th—right after Independence Day.  Just as High School follows Middle School, Interdependence Day would represent a graduation from the mindset that we once needed to survive, but are starting to outgrow.  On Interdependence Day, instead of shooting off fireworks, we could practice acts of kindness.  By doing that, we’d feel better, our beneficiaries would feel better, and we’d be making a statement that we are indeed all connected.

Posted in Gratitude, Independence, Jonathan Robinson | Tagged experience, happiness, independence, inspire, Jonathan Robinson, joy

Overcoming Self-Criticism Through Humor and Failure

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on June 6, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

 

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection”

― Gautama Buddha

sunsetI used to suffer greatly from a bad case of self-criticism,  in my teenage years, it was so severe that I could never ask a girl out on a date.  I feared that she’d say “no” and I’d end up spending the next week getting down on myself for my failure.

Finally, at age 17, I hit “threshold” and decided to get rejected by 10 girls in one day.  I figured the best way out of my prison of fear was to face it head on.

I promised myself that if I got 10 rejections; I’d treat myself to a trip to Hawaii. By setting it up that getting 10 rejections equaled my ticket to Hawaii, I hoped to sidestep getting down on myself for being rejected so many times. Continue reading →

Posted in Jonathan Robinson, Mood, Overcoming Anxiety, Self-criticism | Tagged experience, finding, fullest, Joonathan Robinson, joy, manage, overcoming self criticism, positive psychology

Positive Psychology Exercises

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on May 21, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

86543081What would it be like if you found out that you had a million dollars in a secret bank account, but you didn’t know it? Wouldn’t that be great?  Well, in a certain way you do.  You have enormous riches locked within you in the form of positive feelings—such as love, gratitude, compassion, and joy.  The problem is, most people haven’t known how to access these feelings.  Yet, the new field of Positive Psychology has developed simple exercises that can help anyone feel greater levels of happiness.

For those who don’t know about Positive Psychology exercises, they’re simple methods that have mostly been developed by psychologist Dr. Marty Seligman.  According to numerous studies, these quick methods can greatly boost your level of happiness.   Since we’re all trying to be happier, having a “technology” that’s been shown to really work is cause for celebration. People currently use very inefficient methods of being happier—such as trying to make a lot of money or have fewer wrinkles.   While such things work a smidgen, Positive Psychology exercises have been proven to work much, much better in creating feelings of true well-being.

You may be wondering, if these simple exercises work so well, then why don’t more people know about them?  The reason is that there is not a lot of money to be made in teaching Positive Psychology exercises.  You can make a lot of money selling pills—such as antidepressants—but there is very little money to be made teaching exercises that change people’s lives.

For better or worse, that’s my job

168855775I sell (for very little money I might add), a systematic course in teaching people the best and most powerful ways to quickly boost their level of happiness.  There are over 30 methods in my Deeper Happiness course that have been shown to boost people’s level of happiness, and most of them take under three minutes a day to do.   That’s great news.  It’s like learning you had a million dollars lying around in the bank, but you didn’t know it.

Let me give you a couple of really quick examples of what I mean.  One Positive Psychologyexercise is to do a Gratitude Journal.  By writing down three things you feel grateful for during each day, your level of satisfaction with your life will gradually rise.  To “turbo charge” your Gratitude Journal, you could include a sentence on how something about you helped make each of those good things happen. For instance, let’s say that one of the things you were grateful for was a good conversation with a friend.  To make that statement even more powerful, you could say how your open heartedness helped you to create that experience.

Science often helps us discover things that seem to defy logic.  It makes no sense that a 50 ton airplane can fly, but it obviously can.  Likewise, it makes no sense that a simple 2 minute Positive Psychology exercise typically brings more joy into your life than if you suddenly doubled your income. But that’s what numerous studies have indicated.    As I said, not knowing about the potential power of Positive Psychology exercises is like not knowing you have a million dollars in your bank account.

Now that you know that Positive Psychology exercises can truly impact your life, you have to figure out what, if anything, to do about it.  Most people—because they have been hypnotized by their culture, will continue to put all their hope into finding happiness through ineffective means.  They’ll hope that more money changes their life, or hope that the next relationship will magically make them fulfilled.  Such endeavors will surely keep them busy, but are unlikely to help them discover the treasure of positive feelings living inside them.

Other people will do such things as read books about how to be happier

stk161282rkeAlthough such books contain valuable information, virtually no one uses what they read from books in a systematic manner in their daily life.  It’s just too big of a jump.  What’s needed is a simple, almost automatic way to be reminded to use Positive Psychology exercises in daily life.

That’s why I created the Deeper Happiness daily audio program for learning and using such exercises. In the program, a person listens to a fun 15-minute talk each morning before they get to work that details a great Positive Psychology exercise. Then, their task is to use that simple exercise sometime during their day.   I created the program so that people could really incorporate these great exercises into their daily lives.  Most the exercises take only 2 minutes a day to do, and the supplied reminder cards help a person to remember to do the exercises.

The typical result of doing these simple techniques days after day is that your life feels more purposeful, fun, joyous, and meaningful.  Soon, you learn which methods really work amazingly well for you, and which don’t seem like a good fit.  Once you find simple ways to help you quickly overcome negative feelings and tune into positive feelings, your life will never be the same.  It will be like finally having complete access to that secret bank account of riches.  You can even get the first three Positive Psychology exercises from the Deeper Happiness program for free here.  You’ll be amazed at how well these simple methods can improve the quality of your life, health, and relationships.

Posted in How to Be Happy, How to Find Happiness, Inspire Me Today, Jonathan Robinson, Key to Happiness | Tagged experience, fullest, happiness, Jonathan Robinson, joy, life, love, manage, positive psychology

Everything You Know about Happiness Is Wrong

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on May 16, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

160619033You are living in a dangerous cult.  I mean it.  Of course, like most people in cults, you don’t think it’s dangerous—or that it’s even a cult.  This “cult” that you (and I) are living in is the hyper capitalist economic system of modern day life.

In this cult or cult-ure we’re part of, we’re hypnotized to believe certain things that are not really true.  For example, we’re conditioned to believe that if only we had more money, or the right relationship or less wrinkles—THEN we’d be a lot happier.  Studies prove that these ideas aren’t actually true, but we eventually start to believe them because we’re constantly bombarded with such messages.

Here’s a question that can determine if you’ve truly been indoctrinated into the capitalist cult.  Which of these two options do you think would make you happier?  Option one:  winning over a million dollars in the lottery.  Option two: becoming paralyzed from the waist down.  Which do you think would lead you to being happier after a year of time has passed?

If you think the obvious answer is winning the lottery, you’re wrong.  It means you’ve bought our cult’s basic dogma—that what happens to you determines your level of happiness.  Although such a notion is widespread and unquestioned in Western culture, scientific research does not bear this idea out.  People who are paralyzed and people who win the lottery are equally happy after a year of time has passed.

In the search for hypnotizedhappiness that we are all on, you can’t assume anything that you’ve heard.  Unfortunately, our culture is constantly pushing its ideas about finding the “good life” onto us, and that brainwashing does not necessarily have anything to do with being happy. After all, does Donald Trump look joyous to you? In the last twenty years, the average GDP of Chinese citizens has gone up 400%, and yet their average level of happiness has actually gone down.

In our culture, we’ve also been led to believe that having a lot of choice is a good thing.  There are over 24,000 items to choose from just in your local supermarket.  With the Internet, our range of choices has become virtually infinite.  The problem is we’ve been led to assume that the more choices we have, the richer and more satisfying our lives will become.  Yet, numerous studies show that our gluttony of choice mostly just adds to our level of stress–and makes us less contended with our lives.

In fact, contrary to cult doctrine, having a lot of money, good health, or a job you enjoy doesn’t truly lead to happiness.  Rather, research shows that we have it completely backwards.  Numerous studies indicate that it is being a happy person that leads to having more money, good health and a job you enjoy.  Highly fulfilled people end up making over $750,000 more during their lifetime than people who are unhappy.  Highly contented people also live an average of 8 years longer than the rest of us, and have half the level of divorce.

If the specifics of our lives (money, health, job, choice) don’t determine our level of happiness, what does?   Researchers have identified several factors.  First, part of our happiness is determined by our genetics.  Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about that.  Yet, much of our level of well-being is due to our attitude, our focus on relationships, and certain beliefs and behaviors that happy people tend to have.  Fortunately, many of these attitudes and behaviors can be easily learned.

166624595Here’s just one example.  Highly contented people tend to schedule time each week for activities they truly enjoy.  On the other hand, unhappy people tend to make excuses as to why they don’t have time for what they really like to do.  Here’s another example.  Happy people make being with friends and enjoying life a central priority in their life, whereas less contented folks make things like making money their main priority.

Here’s the problem.  How do you become a happy person while living in a cult (culture) that does not value what really leads to happiness?   It’s hard.   It requires going against the grain of what the people around you are doing.  It means you need to ignore the 500 or so advertising messages you get each day, and instead listen to the still, small voice inside.   In fact, that’s what happy people do a lot.  They spend quiet time in nature.  They surround themselves with people, books, and ideas that nurture their dream of a joyful, caring, and deeply fulfilling life.

Like you, I was conditioned to think that certain things would make me happy.  For better or worse, I got many of those things at an early age.  I got rich.  I wrote books that got me on Oprah and other national shows on numerous occasions.  Instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment, I felt like I always had to do something bigger and better in the future.  I was not a happy camper.  There was only one way out—and that was “in.”   As I studied the research on happiness, I learned that everything I’d been taught about how to be happy was basically not true.

It turns out 167344377that the American Dream is actually a repetitive, busy, and not too unpleasant nightmare.  I soon realized that always striving for more, always being busy, and constantly competing for recognition was not a path to greater peace of mind.  As I began to see through the brainwashing of Western culture, I began to notice what really made me happy.  What really made me happy wasn’t having bouncy hair, a big house, or a Mercedes.  It ends up it was little moments of depth and joy I could find in everyday life. Nowadays, I spend more time playing with my dog, watching sunsets, hanging out with my friends, reading great books, and meditating.

So your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to find out what actually makes you uniquely happy.   Assume you’ve been in a dangerous cult and you need to get free of its programming.  Ask questions, explore new ideas, and notice when your actual experience does not match up with beliefs and behaviors that have been forced on you from the cult we’re in.  To help show you the way, there is a certain group of people who tend to be very happy a lot of the time.  This “group of people” are kids under the age of six.  What do they do differently than adults?  They play more, they plan less, and they explore the present moment fully and completely.   That’s a good place to start on the ever-evolving road to happiness.

Posted in Being Present, How to Be Happy, How to Find Happiness, Jonathan Robinson, Key to Happiness | Tagged finding, fullest, happiness, inspire, Jonathan Robinson, joy, life

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