As a psychotherapist, I often counsel couples who frequently argue. Early in my career, I tried to help these people with communication techniques aimed at helping them be more open with each other. Yet, it rarely worked. They would simply forget the method and continue with their verbal attacks. When I realized couples behave like hurt infants when they get into a fight, I asked myself, “What helps crying infants to feel better?” The answer was obvious–they like to be held. As parents gently hold their baby, the baby soon feels better. Before you know it, the infant is giggling and happy. I wondered if a similar approach might work with adults. After much trial and error, I found something that works even better than I expected. I call it “The Spoon Tune.”
One of the great things about the Spoon Tune is how easy it is. When we are upset, we do not have the capacity to do anything complicated. Luckily, the Spoon Tune has just two simple steps to it. First, at the earliest sign of upset, lie down with your partner in “spooning” position. Spooning is the way in which many couples sleep. It consists of having one person’s front side hugging the other person’s backside. Couples can also “spoon” standing up if they are in a place where they cannot lie down, or there is no place to do so. Although holding your partner in this manner is hard to do when you are upset, direct yourself to do it. Sometimes I think to myself that I have a choice between spooning for four minutes and feeling fine or staying upset and ruining the rest of the day. When I clearly see that those are my two options, I begin spooning.
Next, 
while in a spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate. Generally, it is best for the bigger partner to follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least four minutes. Do not say anything. As soon as your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.
No matter how upset you are
At the beginning of this simple exercise, you will find yourself quickly calming down. The combination of being in the spooning position and breathing together puts people back on the same wavelength. When you share energy in this way, it creates a feeling of safety and connection at a very deep level. Although your mind may be racing and storming, your bodies and souls cannot help but connect. By the end of a few minutes, you may not even remember what you were upset. At the very least, you will feel more connected and safe, and are much better able to work things out without hurting each other. Oftentimes, the “issue”, which seemed so big just minutes before, will have become totally unimportant.
Once you begin the Spoon Tune, no talking allowed. If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that is not possible “spoon” standing up. The key to doing this method successfully is to breathe together. As you breathe together, try to focus on and be present with each breath. Use your breath as a meditation. By focusing on your breath as it goes in and out in rhythm with your partner’s breath, you will feel more peaceful, safe, and connected, spoon for at least three minutes.
Once you are done spooning, you have a couple of options. You can simply forget about whatever led to the upset and go about your business, or, if you feel it’s necessary, you can talk things over with your partner. If you need to work something out, you will be in a much better frame of mind to do so.
You need not wait until you are upset to use the Spoon Tune. In fact, it is a great way to connect with your partner anytime. Many couples find it to be an easy and satisfying way to unwind after a stressful day. It can also be a very effective way to connect with your partner before making love. The hardest thing about this method is remembering to use it. Make an agreement that either you or your partner can ask for a “spooning” if you feel like your tempers are starting to get the best of you. Be on the lookout for times when you or your partner begin to get upset, or you both feel stressed. In order to use the Spoon Tune correctly the first time you get angry at each other, it is a good idea to try a practice run when you are not upset. Once you use it the first time and see how well it works, you will be hooked.
I recently took an online course called “Awakening Joy.” It was quite good, maybe even as good as my own online course called “
For example, today I was playing with my dog and we were both having a great time. Then, when she was done with playing, she came over to cuddle with me in my lap. We cuddled for a moment, and I enjoyed the feeling of petting her and feeling my deep love for her. Then after a minute, I had the thought, “What do I need to do next?” Of course, my “list” is never done, so there were plenty of things to do, but why did I need to curtail such a sweet moment so quickly? In fact, I did not have to, but I realized I have been trained by our culture to always be productive—even at the expense of hanging out with more moments of love, intimacy, and joy. Can you relate to this?
So having seen my own tendency to start thinking of my “to do” list in the midst of positive emotions, I have taken steps to go against it. Nowadays, when I see that I am curtailing a sweet and/or intimate moment, I try instead to stay with my positive experience. I take a deep breath and remind myself; nothing is more important than joyful moments. I attempt to “hang out” with such feelings until they naturally drift away.
Do bad memories or images ever haunt you? Do you sometimes flash back to some of the most traumatic moments of your past? For some reason, the human mind has a nasty tendency to forget important things like your mother’s birthday, but is more than happy to frequently remind you of the worst events of your life. Fortunately, there’s an antidote to this glitch in the human bio-computer. It’s called the Erasure Technique. In a matter of a few minutes, this powerful method can virtually neutralize the bad feelings associated with almost anything you’ve ever experienced. I’ve even used it with clients who have suffered from disturbing memories for many years. Whether you want to neutralize images of a minor car accident or the hurt from the ending of a relationship, the erasure technique can make a dramatic difference in your life. 
When clients come into my office, they describe many types of problems. Yet, whatever their situation, they almost always complain that they feel stuck in feelings of anger, sadness, fear or hurt. In order to help my clients, I teach them something called The Sensation Meditation (SM). This meditation guides people to focus on their negative feelings in a specific manner. By helping people fully feel their emotions without distraction, this meditation helps people move through “stuck” feelings into a place of healing. When people finish using this simple three minute technique, they frequently report that their negative feelings have vanished, and that their body feels relaxed, peaceful, and at ease.
When you were a child, your parents most likely rewarded you on a fairly regular basis. Perhaps they told you how pretty you were, or bought you an ice cream cone as a reward for cleaning the yard. However they did it, the rewards you received helped guide you, and made you feel loved. Unfortunately, once you left your parent’s home, there was probably no one around to play the role of encourager and guide for you. The truth is–if you don’t do it for yourself, it probably won’t get done. As adults, we need to learn how to give ourselves rewards so we can be encouraged to move in a positive direction. However, most adults either give themselves indulgences all the time, or they almost never do. By learning the art of giving ourselves rewards at appropriate times, we can come to benefit from this powerful tool. 
In the movie Snow White, the queen asks her mirror who is the “fairest one of all.” The mirror breaks the bad news to her that there is someone much more beautiful than she. Like the queen, most of us have bought the idea that we are not as beautiful, worthy of love, or as good as someone else. Capitalizing on our insecurities and lack of self-worth, advertisers tell us that if we were only richer or more beautiful, we’d be loved. Although we may know better in theory, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to gain recognition from others as a substitute for our lack of self-love. Yet, there is no substitute for really liking yourself. Even if the whole world applauds you, if you don’t feel good about yourself, it doesn’t matter. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that most people don’t feel good about themselves. Therefore, what’s needed is a practical and powerful way to grow our sense of self-worth. Fortunately, there is a method that can greatly nurture and enhance a person’s sense of self esteem. I call it the Mirror Exercise (ME).
feeling pretty stressed lately, haven’t you? Well, you’ve been busy helping a lot of people. You need to remember to take care of yourself. You deserve it. You’ve worked hard. It’s amazing all the tasks you do. I’m proud of the fact that you’ve become a very giving person over the years. I appreciate how you’re really committed to helping others. I like you. You’re often a lot of fun to be with. Some of the stories you said last night at the party were really funny. I appreciate your sense of humor. You don’t have to try so hard to be liked—because you are liked. Not for what you do, but for who you are. I want you to know that you’re doing just fine. Allow yourself to relax more and just receive all the goodwill people feel towards you. I respect who you are, and I want you to know I love you.”
For example, you may try to do this exercise completely naked in front of a full-length mirror. Most people are at war with their bodies, but the ME can help. By starting with specific parts of your body that you like, you can eventually get to accept every part of your anatomy. During this form of the Mirror Exercise, talk to the various parts of your body and try to develop a better relationship with them. For example, you might say, “Hello nose. As you know, you’re bigger than I would like you to be, but I am grateful for all the wonderful smells you send my way. I’m going to try to appreciate you more. You really do a great job. Thank you for adding to my life.”
Too much to do, and not enough time to do it. Your boss yells at you for something that wasn’t even your fault; by the time you make it home, you’re fed up and stressed out. You slam the door, and then walk past your partner without saying a word. Your mate asks you about your day and why you slammed the door. Just the fact that they say anything to you makes you even more annoyed. You tell them, “I didn’t slam the door. There’s nothing wrong. Why do you always have to question me?” You spend the rest of the evening upset.
Many people suffer from symptoms of minor depression sometime in their life. Persistent sadness, 
Hypericum as a way to overcome depression naturally. The recommended dosage is 300 milligrams of Hypericum extract, containing 0.3 percent of the active ingredient Hypericum, three times a day. It takes between one and four weeks for the herb to start working. Since it takes awhile for this medicine to have an effect, avoid trying it in response to momentary sadness or lethargy. Yet, if you feel depressed for several weeks, there is little to risk and potentially a lot to gain from trying St. John’s Wort.
Hypericum is not a cure-all for depression and sadness. Yet, for many people it can be an enormous help. If, after using Hypericum for four to six weeks, you don’t notice any improvement, consider seeing a psychiatrist for his or her recommendation. If you keep trying new medications and/or forms of therapy, you’ll eventually find something that helps. Don’t give up hope. Even severely depressed people have been known to bounce back to a