In my book The Little Book of Big Questions I have a chapter called “The Spiritual Intimacy Experience.” It consists of fifteen questions partners can ask each other in order to develop a deeper connection. I received many letters from people stating that answering these questions with their mate led to the most profound experience of intimacy they had ever had.
Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, I thought it timely to give you this method for quickly deepening your level of intimacy with a mate or a friend. Continue reading →
As a psychotherapist, I often counsel couples who frequently argue. Early in my career, I tried to help these people with communication techniques aimed at helping them be more open with each other. Yet, it rarely worked. They would simply forget the method and continue with their verbal attacks. When I realized couples behave like hurt infants when they get into a fight, I asked myself, “What helps crying infants to feel better?” The answer was obvious–they like to be held. As parents gently hold their baby, the baby soon feels better. Before you know it, the infant is giggling and happy. I wondered if a similar approach might work with adults. After much trial and error, I found something that works even better than I expected. I call it “The Spoon Tune.”
while in a spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate. Generally, it is best for the bigger partner to follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least four minutes. Do not say anything. As soon as your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.
Once you begin the Spoon Tune, no talking allowed. If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that is not possible “spoon” standing up. The key to doing this method successfully is to breathe together. As you breathe together, try to focus on and be present with each breath. Use your breath as a meditation. By focusing on your breath as it goes in and out in rhythm with your partner’s breath, you will feel more peaceful, safe, and connected, spoon for at least three minutes.
The way we tend to express love to another person is, in most cases, the way in which we would like to receive it. I have fallen into this trap. I used to give my wife massages because that’s what makes me feel loved. Even if a gorilla gave me a massage, I’d feel totally loved. My wife used to frequently tell me she loved me because that’s what she wanted to hear. When people are unaware of their partner’s preferred ways of feeling loved, they end up expending a lot of energy that goes unappreciated. Yet by knowing exactly what helps your partner feel safe and loved, it becomes infinitely easier to create intimacy on a consistent basis.
By knowing how your own heart is charmed, you can reveal this important information to your partner. Try the previous exercise on yourself, or have your partner read it to you. You may be surprised to discover exactly what your partner does that creates a warm feeling of safety and love in you. Once your mate knows how to help you feel loved, they can more easily and consistently show you they care.