One day I called up my friend, Susan, and asked her how she was. She said, “Things are great. Joe and I just got back from another week long vacation.” I realized that, just about every time I talked to Susan, she had recently gone on vacation. I was a bit annoyed and jealous. “How do you take so many vacations?” I asked. Her reply made me even more annoyed, “We simply make it a priority.” I felt a certain amount of self-pity as I shot back, “Boy, I wish my life was set up so I could take so much time off.” In a compassionate, yet direct manner, Susan replied, “You can if it’s important enough to you. Joe and I just decided we’d take eight weeks off each year. There’s a lot of resistance to doing that, but we’re committed to living the life that we want to live.” Continue reading →
Tag Archives: how to be happy
The Three Minute Body Miracle
It’s a rainy, sleepy afternoon, and you’re stuck in front of your computer. Your bones are weary, your eyes blurred, and your mind feels burned out. You can grab another cup of coffee, but you know your body really doesn’t need any more caffeine. What to do? If you knew that in three minutes of effort you could go from burned out to blissed out, would it be worth your while? If the answer is yes, then the “Three Minute Body Miracle” (or T.M.B.M for short) is for you. This simple, but amazingly effective four-step technique does several things in a short period of time. First, it gets your body naturally energized. Second, it stimulates blood flow to the brain for better focus and concentration. And finally, it allows you to quickly let go of stress and tension in both your body and mind. If you try it just a couple of times, I think you’ll be hooked. Continue reading →
The Five Questions of Success
If someone asked me to describe in four simple words how they could achieve wealth, health, and happiness, my answer would be easy: ask the right questions for success. When we ask ourselves good questions, it leads us to make better decisions as to where and how to spend our time. When we fail to ask the right questions, we can easily fall prey to mechanical routines, other people’s goals, and a life of unhappiness. When it comes to taking charge of your time and your life, asking the right questions can be the answer you’ve been looking for.
I created a list of five questions that seemed the most valuable in gently guiding people back to the life they truly desired. I have found that answering these questions once a month can be an amazingly efficient way to create the life you really want. When answering these questions, it’s best to say your answers out loud to a mate, friend, or co-worker. Another option is to write down what you have to say in a journal. Somehow, saying the answers out loud or writing things down has more impact than simply thinking them in your head.
For each of the five questions that follow, I give a brief description of why it can be useful to ask yourself—or those you love—this question once a month.
1) What can I do this week to bring more fun and/or meaning into my life?
As adults, most of us get lost in daily routines, problems, and plans. Yet, as children, life was very different. We’re not born into this world as planners and problems solvers, but rather as bundles of playful energy. This question can help remind you to schedule something each week to bring fun and/or meaning into your life. It will help provoke your thinking as to what you currently find fun or meaningful, and help you keep these things as priorities in your life
2) What could I feel grateful for in my life?
This may seem like a strange question to get your life in order, but it’s important to remember what is going great in your life. If you focus only on what’s wrong with your life, you’ll always be thinking about problems. Part of living a successful life means focusing on what’s going well, and feeling grateful for how blessed you are.
3) How can I use the gifts I’ve been given to better serve people?
If you want to make a lot of money, get good at giving people what they want. If you want love, become skillful at caring for people. Whatever you want in life, you can receive it by becoming good at serving people. This question will help you to consistently ponder how you can do this more effectively.
4) Is there anything I’m doing that is hurting myself, other people, or steering me off course?
When planes fly to a destination, they are of course over 90% of the time. However, they almost constantly correct their course, so they end up where they’re supposed to be. We need to do likewise. When people make mistakes, they often spend a lot of time in blame, self-pity, or distraction. That just makes matters worse. Instead, what we need to do is quickly realized when we’re off course, and immediately take the actions necessary to get back on track
5) What would be good to do to create more balance, harmony or growth in my life?
To answer this question, it helps to access your intuition, or still, small voice inside. Perhaps there has been something you’ve been avoiding, and this question will help you realize it’s time to move forward. Whenever possible, try to be specific with your answer and the new action(s) you plan to take. Insights are helpful, but only changes in actual behavior are likely to lead to the results you desire.
These five questions are an easy, quick, and powerful way to gain important insights that will help you to plan your time wisely. Rather than waiting until a problem is big, these questions will help you to handle things when they’re small and easily handled. By writing your answers in a journal, or taking turns answering these questions with a friend, you can help each other create the life you truly desire.
How to Create a Deep Intimate Experience with a Loved One
In my book The Little Book of Big Questions I have a chapter called “The Spiritual Intimacy Experience.” It consists of fifteen questions partners can ask each other in order to develop a deeper connection. I received many letters from people stating that answering these questions with their mate led to the most profound experience of intimacy they had ever had.
Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, I thought it timely to give you this method for quickly deepening your level of intimacy with a mate or a friend. Continue reading →
When you get the Winter blues…
During the winter months, a lot of people end up feeling more “down” than usual. In many cases, this can be due to the fact that they have what is called S.A.D. or Seasonal Affective Disorder. S.A.D. comes from not getting enough light and/or being indoors more than usual. Fortunately, S.A.D. is often easily remedied. Below I’ve written a brief guide to knowing if you might have Seasonal Affective Disorder, as well as some simple tips for overcoming it effectively.
Even if you personally don’t suffer from S.A.D., you probably have friends or family members who do. Feel free to pass this quick guide to overcoming it onto them… Continue reading →
How to Make New Year’s Resolutions that Work
It’s that time of the year again to make resolutions. Instead of making them and then breaking them like most people do, why not put some punch behind your resolutions? I helped invent a method that practically guarantees your resolutions will be kept. The technique, which I call the Integrity Contract, helps people stay motivated when the going gets tough. After all, it is only people who are consistent over a long period who ultimately succeed in life
In order to make consistent progress towards one’s goals, we need some form of immediate pain to occur if we fail to take appropriate action. If every time you failed to exercise three times a week you cut off a finger, you’d be a lot more consistent! Since no sane person would ever do that, you need to find an immediate pain you would be willing to give to yourself if you fail to act in beneficial ways. After much trial and error, I found a solution that worked. In the last fifteen years, I’ve taught the Integrity Contract method to thousands of people, and the results have been astounding. Here’s the essence of the technique:
Write a contract with yourself that states all the precise actions you’re willing to commit to do during the following week. Then write a statement that says, “For each of the items on this contract I fail to do by one week from today, I agree to rip up $2.” Finally, sign your contract, date it, and place it in a place you’ll see it every day. That’s it. Here’s an example of a simple contract:
“During the next week, I will exercise 3 times for a minimum of forty minutes. I will read a minimum of sixty pages from the book I got on investing. I will meditate for at least twenty minutes each day. For each task I don’t complete by January 7th, I will rip up $2.”
There are several reasons why this method is so effective. First, there is a clear proclamation of what you intend to do, and by when you intend to do it. Normally, people have a lot of lofty thoughts about what they could do to improve their life (aka New Year’s Resolutions), but these thoughts soon slip away. With the Integrity Contract method, you’ll have a visual reminder of what you’re committed to do. Second, with this technique, you’ll experience immediate pain if you fail to keep your word. Since your brain is always trying to avoid immediate pain, it will do its best to complete what’s on the contract.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s fine to not complete everything on your contract–as long as you rip up the money for the tasks you don’t finish. I’ve seen that, as long as people are willing to rip up money for failing to complete their contract, the method eventually works. Maybe not the first or second week, but by the third week you’ll find your mind screaming at you to complete whatever you wrote down.
Below is another example of how such a contract looks:
I, Jonathan, agree to do the following over the course of the next week:
a) Call five potential clients about my new seminar.
b) Wash my car, and put an ad in the paper to sell it.
c) Ask a friend to read my latest article and get their feedback.
d) Start a savings account to save money for a vacation to Europe.
For each of the above items I fail to complete by 5:00 p.m. next Thursday, I agree to rip up $2.
(date) (signature)________________________
Then put the contract in a place where you will see it daily. Bathroom mirrors are good. So are car dashboards. At the end of the week, evaluate how you did. If you did not complete any items on your contract, no matter what your excuse, tear up the appropriate amount of money.
Think of how quickly you could turn your goals into a reality if you made progress on them each week. Let this year be a year in which you keep your resolutions and your promises to yourself. People who have the patience to slowly but surely make progress on their goals are the people who succeed in life.
As an added way to make sure you get support to turn your New Year’s resolutions and dreams into reality, I am offering a Free teleconference call on January 2nd.
It’s called “The Best Ways to Increase Happiness
Lastly, feel free to pass this blog on to your friends and family. Wouldn’t it be great if they also started the New Year off on the right foot? Then, you could support each other towards making 2014 an amazing year of growth, love, and joy. By signing up for my free preview call and/or signing up for my “Happiness Through Great Relationships” Course, you’ll be giving your friends and family an opportunity to make 2014 their best year yet.
Sign up for FREE PREVIEW call here:
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How to Pray Without Ceasing
With Thanksgiving upon us, I thought it was a good idea to blog about giving thanks and the power of gratitude. In my book The Experience of God, I asked each of the forty well-known spiritual leaders I interviewed about their favorite method of feeling closer to their Creator. While the range of responses was surprising, the answer I heard more than any other was that of focusing on feeling grateful to God throughout the day. As Ram Dass put it, “Gratitude opens your heart, and opening your heart is a wonderful and easy way for God to slip in.”
In Western culture, we often think of prayer as asking God for something. Yet, in many spiritual traditions, prayer is primarily considered a way of thanking God for the blessings in one’s life. Many years ago, I received an important lesson about “thankfulness prayer” from a Native American medicine man named Bear. As a condition of being interviewed about his life, Bear requested we meet at a location sacred to his tribe. Once there, he suggested that both of us begin by offering up a prayer to the Great Spirit. My simple prayer was that our time together be well spent, and that it would serve our becoming closer to God. The bear began his prayer in his native tongue, as I listened patiently. After ten minutes of listening to the sounds of his tribal language, I began getting impatient. After twenty minutes of listening to his prayer, I was secretly irritated. While I grew restless, Bear looked like he was soaring as high as the eagles that flew overhead. Finally, after fifty minutes, Bear finished speaking his words of prayer.
Trying to hide my sense of irritation, I began my interview by asking Bear, “What did you pray for?” Bear’s calm reply was, “In my tribe, we don’t pray for anything. We give thanks for all that the Great Spirit has given us. In my prayers, I simply thanked Spirit for everything I can see around me. I gave thanks to each and every tree I can see from here, each rock, each squirrel, the sun, the clouds, my legs, my arms, each bird that flew by, each breath I took, until I was finally in full alignment with the Great Spirit.” It was clear to me that this man really knew how to pray.
From Bear’s inspiration and the wisdom of many others
I’ve interviewed, I began trying this new method of prayer. To make this form of prayer in my daily life, I began by simply saying, “Thank you God for (whatever is in my awareness).” Sometimes I would “prime the pump” by first thanking God for things that are easy for me to feel grateful for. For example, I might say, “Thank you for my health. Thank you for such a beautiful day. Thank you for my wonderful wife.” Then, once I truly felt a sense of gratitude in my heart, I would use “thank you” as a “mantra” for whatever I was currently aware of. For instance, if I was driving somewhere I might say, “Thank you for my car, thank you for my Iphone, thank you for this beautiful music, thank you for this nicely paved road, thank you for the man that just cut me off, thank you for the anger that he stirred up in me, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness.”
The secret of this technique is to see all things as gifts given to us by God to enjoy or learn from. Normally, we take virtually everything for granted, and rarely stop to appreciate the wonderful things we are given. It can be eye opening to realize that even middle class folks of today live better than Kings lived just 100 years ago. Yet, without the “thank you technique,” all the amenities of modern day life can go unappreciated.
Once you have used this method for awhile, you can even use it to begin to value things that are unpleasant. In the example above, getting cut off by an aggressive driver was not my idea of a good time. Yet, if I’m doing my “thank you” mantra, I’m more likely to see how such an event can serve me. From a higher state of mind, I can see that this driver is helping me learn patience, compassion, and forgiveness—three things I’m not very good at. Fortunately, there are many drivers and people who are willing to help me learn this lesson! Thank you God for all that help.
Like any mantra or phrase that a person repeats, repeatedly saying “thank you” can build up a momentum of its own as you use it throughout the day. However, it’s important that it doesn’t become a mechanical mental exercise. With each thank you that is thought, it’s essential to feel a sense of appreciation in your heart for the gift you’ve been given. Besides helping a person tune into an ecstatic feeling of gratitude, this method can also help a person become more aware and present in the eternal now.
How to Never Argue Again
As a psychotherapist, I often counsel couples who frequently argue. Early in my career, I tried to help these people with communication techniques aimed at helping them be more open with each other. Yet, it rarely worked. They would simply forget the method and continue with their verbal attacks. When I realized couples behave like hurt infants when they get into a fight, I asked myself, “What helps crying infants to feel better?” The answer was obvious–they like to be held. As parents gently hold their baby, the baby soon feels better. Before you know it, the infant is giggling and happy. I wondered if a similar approach might work with adults. After much trial and error, I found something that works even better than I expected. I call it “The Spoon Tune.”
One of the great things about the Spoon Tune is how easy it is. When we are upset, we do not have the capacity to do anything complicated. Luckily, the Spoon Tune has just two simple steps to it. First, at the earliest sign of upset, lie down with your partner in “spooning” position. Spooning is the way in which many couples sleep. It consists of having one person’s front side hugging the other person’s backside. Couples can also “spoon” standing up if they are in a place where they cannot lie down, or there is no place to do so. Although holding your partner in this manner is hard to do when you are upset, direct yourself to do it. Sometimes I think to myself that I have a choice between spooning for four minutes and feeling fine or staying upset and ruining the rest of the day. When I clearly see that those are my two options, I begin spooning.
Next, 
while in a spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate. Generally, it is best for the bigger partner to follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least four minutes. Do not say anything. As soon as your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.
No matter how upset you are
At the beginning of this simple exercise, you will find yourself quickly calming down. The combination of being in the spooning position and breathing together puts people back on the same wavelength. When you share energy in this way, it creates a feeling of safety and connection at a very deep level. Although your mind may be racing and storming, your bodies and souls cannot help but connect. By the end of a few minutes, you may not even remember what you were upset. At the very least, you will feel more connected and safe, and are much better able to work things out without hurting each other. Oftentimes, the “issue”, which seemed so big just minutes before, will have become totally unimportant.
Once you begin the Spoon Tune, no talking allowed. If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that is not possible “spoon” standing up. The key to doing this method successfully is to breathe together. As you breathe together, try to focus on and be present with each breath. Use your breath as a meditation. By focusing on your breath as it goes in and out in rhythm with your partner’s breath, you will feel more peaceful, safe, and connected, spoon for at least three minutes.
Once you are done spooning, you have a couple of options. You can simply forget about whatever led to the upset and go about your business, or, if you feel it’s necessary, you can talk things over with your partner. If you need to work something out, you will be in a much better frame of mind to do so.
You need not wait until you are upset to use the Spoon Tune. In fact, it is a great way to connect with your partner anytime. Many couples find it to be an easy and satisfying way to unwind after a stressful day. It can also be a very effective way to connect with your partner before making love. The hardest thing about this method is remembering to use it. Make an agreement that either you or your partner can ask for a “spooning” if you feel like your tempers are starting to get the best of you. Be on the lookout for times when you or your partner begin to get upset, or you both feel stressed. In order to use the Spoon Tune correctly the first time you get angry at each other, it is a good idea to try a practice run when you are not upset. Once you use it the first time and see how well it works, you will be hooked.
Letting Happiness In
I recently took an online course called “Awakening Joy.” It was quite good, maybe even as good as my own online course called “Deeper Happiness.”(Of course, it did cost five times as much as my course!) Even though it was expensive, it was worth it to me because I learned something valuable. What I learned from this course was really just one new thing — which I plan to share with you in a moment. Yet, even if you learn just one new thing from a course or a workshop, it is still very much worth it. After all, that one new “thing” will potentially be able to affect you for the rest of your life. If something you learn ends up having practical value to you for the rest of your life, then its value is priceless.
What I learned from the Awakening Joy course was the importance of allowing time for positive moments in one’s life. Being that I am a so-called “happiness expert,” I already knew the importance of allowing time for positive feelings. Yet, as I watched myself throughout the day, I noticed something interesting. In the midst of sweet moments or intimate moments with a friend—or simply moments of deep peace—I would often think of what I have to do next on my “to do” list. Then, I would curtail my joyful experience and do whatever I felt compelled to do. After watching this a few times, I realized I was ripping myself off from experiencing more truly joyful moments.
For example, today I was playing with my dog and we were both having a great time. Then, when she was done with playing, she came over to cuddle with me in my lap. We cuddled for a moment, and I enjoyed the feeling of petting her and feeling my deep love for her. Then after a minute, I had the thought, “What do I need to do next?” Of course, my “list” is never done, so there were plenty of things to do, but why did I need to curtail such a sweet moment so quickly? In fact, I did not have to, but I realized I have been trained by our culture to always be productive—even at the expense of hanging out with more moments of love, intimacy, and joy. Can you relate to this?
Author Gay Hendricks calls this phenomenon the “Upper Limit Problem”
When we are feeling good, we often will stop what we are feeling and look for some problem or distraction to occupy our mind and emotions. It is as if we have an internal thermostat ready to kick in with negativity or worry anytime our internal temperature (positive feelings) get too high. As a psychotherapist, I have noticed this phenomenon in couples that sabotage a relationship when it is going really well, or people who sabotage a business just when they are starting to make a lot of money. Yet, once I saw how it manifested in the little moments of my daily life, I knew it was important to watch out for.
So having seen my own tendency to start thinking of my “to do” list in the midst of positive emotions, I have taken steps to go against it. Nowadays, when I see that I am curtailing a sweet and/or intimate moment, I try instead to stay with my positive experience. I take a deep breath and remind myself; nothing is more important than joyful moments. I attempt to “hang out” with such feelings until they naturally drift away.
This simple little practice has added immensely to the quantity of joyful moments I have in my life. If you can relate to my experience, then I challenge you to allow more time for your own positive feelings. Notice what you do to curtail such moments, and once you “catch” yourself in the act, take a deep breath and allow yourself to simply BE. Your partner, your pets, and your joyful heart will thank me…