In my book The Little Book of Big Questions I have a chapter called “The Spiritual Intimacy Experience.”  It consists of fifteen questions partners can ask each other in order to develop a deeper connection. I received many letters from people stating that answering these questions with their mate led to the most profound experience of intimacy they had ever had.

Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, I thought it timely to give you this method for quickly deepening your level of intimacy with a mate or a friend.

To enjoy the fruits of this experience, all you need is a willing partner, about 45 minutes of time, and a somewhat quiet and private location.   Below, you will find the instructions and the fifteen questions.  Before you begin the process, make sure you have plenty of time, and are in the mood to fully open and connect with someone you care about.

Instructions:

You are about to begin an extended sharing experience.  Really getting to know another person involves to learn a new set of skills and attitudes, risk taking, trust, and acceptance. The following questions are designed to assist you in getting to know another person on a fairly intimate level.  They can be answered to whatever degree of self-disclosure you wish.  Take as long as you like to answer each question.  Once you’re done, ask the same question of your partner, and let him or her respond while you carefully listen.  When you’re the one asking the question, feel free to ask related questions that might further clarify or expand upon your partner’s initial response.  If a conversation naturally unfolds from your partner’s response, that’s perfectly all right as well.  Once both of you have answered the first question, proceed to the next. If you give this exercise enough time and sincerity, I think you’ll find it to be a very satisfying and powerful experience.

The Questions:

1. When are you the happiest? (Make sure both people answer before proceeding to the next question.)
2. What is your greatest strength?
3. What is your greatest weakness?
4. What was the most difficult time in your life?
5. What is extremely important to you?
6. When do you feel more affectionate?
7. What are you avoiding right now?
8. What helps you to feel really loved?
9. What is the thing you most regret having done?
10. How do you think I see you?
11. What is your heart longing for?
12. What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment?
13. What was your first impression of me?
14. What do you like best about me?
15. What kind of person have you dreamed of becoming?

Besides being a great way to get to know someone at a deeper level, this exercise also demonstrates a process by which relationships can become more intimate.  When we ask a friend or partner meaningful questions, it opens the door for a more profound level of connection with him or her.  Most people hunger to talk about important topics such as the ones represented by these questions. Asking “big questions” is a simple and effective way to know the soul of another person—and experience your own essence as well.  Yet, asking good questions is only half the story.  The depth to which you can truly listen to your partner in a non-judgmental manner will determine the experience you have in this exercise.  Try to listen with an open heart and a quiet mind.

If you enjoy this exercise, feel free to make-up your own questions.  As long as you create an atmosphere of safety and warmth, people appreciate the opportunity to talk about themselves.  In our fast paced world of gadgets and hype, communication exercises such as this can be a great way to share the wonders of being human with someone you care about.