March 20th is the International Day of Happiness, which is sponsored by the United Nations. They ask all participants to make the following pledge:
“I will try to create more happiness in the world around me”
It’s a nice pledge, and one that research shows has interesting ramifications. Studies show that when we perform acts of kindness, it actually make us happier. By trying to make other people happier, it gives us a lift. It’s a win-win. So why don’t we do acts of kindness and/or try to make others happier more often? It’s an interesting question, and in exploring that question we can learn a lot about how to become happier in our own lives.
I believe that happiness is our natural state. Look at young kids. They are happy a lot (unless they are in physical pain), so it can’t be something we need to learn “to do.” Instead, we have to focus on what it is we are already doing that gets in the way of our natural joy, peace, and contentment. Rather than just have this be a theoretical discussion, you can ask that question to yourself. What do you think you do that gets in the way of you being happier?
From my years of being a psychotherapist, I’ve seen that most people do not have a really good answer to that question. If they have an answer at all, it’s usually very general—and therefore not truly useful. 
But the truth is that you and I are doing specific things almost all the time that get in the way of being truly joyous—and most of us have no idea what those self-destructive habits are! We fall victim to bad habits like rushing, multitasking, worrying, or indulging in negative emotion patterns. All these “inner” obstacles keep us from being happier—and they even keep us from attempting to make others happier. Only by becoming aware of our inner obstacles to being happier or being kinder can we make a significant impact in our level of fulfillment.
Rather than become more aware of these inner obstacles we have to happiness, most people simply try to change the external events and situations of their life. This works to a small extent, but usually not for long. Our inner obstacles or shadow aspect of ourselves has a way of bringing us back down to a life of rushing, worrying, struggle, etc. What can a poor soul do about this? Fortunately, a lot.
The first step is to become acutely aware of what specific things you do that lead away from your natural state of happiness. In my audio course, Deeper Happiness: One Month to a Lifetime of Greater Fulfillment, I have many simple methods for doing that. But here’s one simple idea you can try: On the International Day of Happiness, March 20th, try a one day experiment. For one day, do your absolute best to be ridiculously happy. If you need to, fake it till you make it. While you’re at it, do your best to make others happy as well. Then, notice what thought patterns, emotions, or daily habits get in the way of you being truly and consistently happy that day.
When I’ve done this one day experiment in the past, I’ve noticed I have habitual excuses for “putting off” happiness till sometime in the future. For instance, I’ll think “I can take a moment to enjoy life as soon as I finish…” Of course, there’s always more to do, so this way of thinking can lead one to never allowing a moment of pure enjoyment. Other obstacles to being fully satisfied have also become very obvious when I’ve tried to be happy for a day. For example, my tendency to feel self-pity or “poor me” when things don’t go exactly the way I want. Indulging in such a feeling is a surefire way to interfere with greater happiness. By becoming more aware of these tendencies in myself, I’ve been able to lessen their frequency and impact in my daily life.
In my opinion, there is nothing more important in life than trying to be happy and add to the level of happiness in the world. The good news is that, as a race, we’re currently pretty bad at being happy. I say that’s good news because, with a little effort and experimentation, we’re bound to get better at it. Fortunately, there are a lot of simple methods that can help us on the path towards deeper happiness. For instance, the attitude that you’re a detective on the look out for what gets in the way of being happy is a good start. I encourage you to keep that in mind on March 20th—the International Day of Happiness. By experimenting with your own desire to be a more fulfilled person, you will also be helping others to reach their full potential.
The way we tend to express love to another person is, in most cases, the way in which we would like to receive it. I have fallen into this trap. I used to give my wife massages because that’s what makes me feel loved. Even if a gorilla gave me a massage, I’d feel totally loved. My wife used to frequently tell me she loved me because that’s what she wanted to hear. When people are unaware of their partner’s preferred ways of feeling loved, they end up expending a lot of energy that goes unappreciated. Yet by knowing exactly what helps your partner feel safe and loved, it becomes infinitely easier to create intimacy on a consistent basis.
By knowing how your own heart is charmed, you can reveal this important information to your partner. Try the previous exercise on yourself, or have your partner read it to you. You may be surprised to discover exactly what your partner does that creates a warm feeling of safety and love in you. Once your mate knows how to help you feel loved, they can more easily and consistently show you they care.
