Recently I’ve been taking a class in what’s called “Non-Violent Communication.” If you don’t know what that is, it’s a way of communicating that involves giving empathy, as well as a way of trying to understand your partner’s feelings and needs. If you agree we’re partly on the planet to learn how to love, then learning how to communicate compassionately is one of the premier tools to help us achieve this lofty goal. In the class, I’ve learned a lot about how to use words to open up my own and other’s hearts. Here are a couple of highlights:
First, I have a deepening realization that we’re all just trying to get the same needs and desires fulfilled. We all want to feel understood; we all want to be respected, approved of, and loved. Yet, we sometimes go about getting these needs met in ineffective or even self-destructive ways. When we learn to communicate better, it opens up the possibility of giving and receiving love more easily (and frequently).
Secondly, I’ve seen that people (including myself) really, really want empathy. Empathy is defined as “the understanding of another’s feelings.” People don’t want to be fixed, analyzed, or classified. They want their feelings heard and even emotionally shared with the people they care about.
Recently, my wife shared with me her feelings about a situation that was giving her trouble. Normally, I might suggest what she should do to remedy the situation, or how she should change her own attitude and behavior. Instead, I bit my lip and just listened. I imagined how I would feel if dealing with a similar situation. In fact, I started to tear up as I began to feel her pain. I held her hand and continued to listen. When the urge came to tell her what to do, I instead just stayed with what she was feeling. Finally, her pain seemed to dissipate and she told me, “Thank you for your help. I really feel so much better.”
Later that evening my wife told me how she planned to handle the situation that was troubling her in a different way. It ends up it was exactly in line with what I had wanted her to do—but never expressed. Instead of giving her “the answer,” she came up with it herself. Having come up with it herself, she was much more likely to act on it than if I had told her what to do.
How is your ability to communicate with the people you care about? I once wrote a bestselling book called “Communication Miracles for Couples,” but I’m finding there is still so much more to learn and practice. We can always get better at expressing our vulnerable truth and listening empathically to those we care about. Good communication takes a lot of practice.. In this day and age of high stress and little time, it’s more important than ever that we learn to communicate in compassionate and heartfelt ways.
As a psychotherapist, I often counsel couples who frequently argue. Early in my career, I tried to help these people with communication techniques aimed at helping them be more open with each other. Yet, it rarely worked. They would simply forget the method and continue with their verbal attacks. When I realized couples behave like hurt infants when they get into a fight, I asked myself, “What helps crying infants to feel better?” The answer was obvious–they like to be held. As parents gently hold their baby, the baby soon feels better. Before you know it, the infant is giggling and happy. I wondered if a similar approach might work with adults. After much trial and error, I found something that works even better than I expected. I call it “The Spoon Tune.”
while in a spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate. Generally, it is best for the bigger partner to follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least four minutes. Do not say anything. As soon as your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.
Once you begin the Spoon Tune, no talking allowed. If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that is not possible “spoon” standing up. The key to doing this method successfully is to breathe together. As you breathe together, try to focus on and be present with each breath. Use your breath as a meditation. By focusing on your breath as it goes in and out in rhythm with your partner’s breath, you will feel more peaceful, safe, and connected, spoon for at least three minutes.
Do bad memories or images ever haunt you? Do you sometimes flash back to some of the most traumatic moments of your past? For some reason, the human mind has a nasty tendency to forget important things like your mother’s birthday, but is more than happy to frequently remind you of the worst events of your life. Fortunately, there’s an antidote to this glitch in the human bio-computer. It’s called the Erasure Technique. In a matter of a few minutes, this powerful method can virtually neutralize the bad feelings associated with almost anything you’ve ever experienced. I’ve even used it with clients who have suffered from disturbing memories for many years. Whether you want to neutralize images of a minor car accident or the hurt from the ending of a relationship, the erasure technique can make a dramatic difference in your life. 
What would it be like if you found out that you had a million dollars in a secret bank account, but you didn’t know it? Wouldn’t that be great? Well, in a certain way you do. You have enormous riches locked within you in the form of positive feelings—such as love, gratitude, compassion, and joy. The problem is, most people haven’t known how to access these feelings. Yet, the new field of 
I sell (for very little money I might add), a systematic course in teaching people the best and most powerful ways to quickly boost their level of happiness. There are over 30 methods in my Deeper Happiness course that have been shown to boost people’s level of happiness, and most of them take under three minutes a day to do. That’s great news. It’s like learning you had a million dollars lying around in the bank, but you didn’t know it.
Although such books contain valuable information, virtually no one uses what they read from books in a systematic manner in their daily life. It’s just too big of a jump. What’s needed is a simple, almost automatic way to be reminded to use Positive Psychology exercises in daily life.
You are living in a dangerous cult. I mean it. Of course, like most people in cults, you don’t think it’s dangerous—or that it’s even a cult. This “cult” that you (and I) are living in is the hyper capitalist economic system of modern day life.
happiness that we are all on, you can’t assume anything that you’ve heard. Unfortunately, our culture is constantly pushing its ideas about finding the “good life” onto us, and that brainwashing does not necessarily have anything to do with being happy. After all, does Donald Trump look joyous to you? In the last twenty years, the average GDP of Chinese citizens has gone up 400%, and yet their average level of happiness has actually gone down.
Here’s just one example. Highly contented people tend to schedule time each week for activities they truly enjoy. On the other hand, unhappy people tend to make excuses as to why they don’t have time for what they really like to do. Here’s another example. Happy people make being with friends and enjoying life a central priority in their life, whereas less contented folks make things like making money their main priority.
that the American Dream is actually a repetitive, busy, and not too unpleasant nightmare. I soon realized that always striving for more, always being busy, and constantly competing for recognition was not a path to greater peace of mind. As I began to see through the brainwashing of Western culture, I began to notice what really made me happy. What really made me happy wasn’t having bouncy hair, a big house, or a Mercedes. It ends up it was little moments of depth and joy I could find in everyday life. Nowadays, I spend more time playing with my dog, watching sunsets, hanging out with my friends, reading great books, and meditating.
What do you absolutely love to do? It need not be a big thing. Perhaps you really love to watch football, or maybe you really enjoy baking your own bread. Often, we get so caught up in living our life that we forget to take time for life’s simple pleasures. Many people find that their life is so full of responsibilities that they rarely take time for fun and adventure. If that sounds like you, then you’ll benefit by using the “Pain and Pleasure List.” The Pain and Pleasure List is a catalog of at least ten things you enjoy doing and a list of ten things you don’t particularly care for. It helps you clarify what really turns you on in life and what you do only because you have to – or think you should. While we all need to do things we don’t like from time to time, life is not meant to be a series of burdens and responsibilities. By having a Pain and Pleasure List, you’ll be able to make important changes in your life with a lot more ease.
The first step in using the Pain and Pleasure List is to simply create it. The singular act of writing down ten things you love to do and ten things you don’t care for can reveal a lot about your life. Recently, a client named James made his list while in my office. He had originally come to see me because of depression, stress at work, and problems with his wife. This was the list he created:
on the “pain” side of the list was a whopping 215 hours per month. The total number of hours on the “pleasure” side of the list was a meager 32 hours a month. That’s almost a seven-to-one ratio of pain to pleasure. I’ve found that when the degree of pain as compared to pleasure rises above a five-to-one ratio, people dislike their life. In order to feel good again, such people need to spend less time doing “painful” activities, and more time doing what they enjoy.
Although less frequently, some people who complete the Pain and Pleasure List see a pattern of having too much pleasure in their life. They tend to avoid responsibilities and discipline at all costs. Unfortunately, this form of hedonism doesn’t work well long term. By avoiding difficult things now, people with this predilection often create problems in their finances and relationships later on. The key to having a successful life is to find the right balance of pain to pleasure. It must be a balance that works, not only in one’s current life, but it must also work long term.
Have you ever felt depressed and filled with enormous amounts of energy at the same time? Probably not. When we have a lot of energy, we both feel better and get more done. Of course, we’re told that the way to greater vim and vigor is to eat right, exercise, and avoid harmful substances. We know what we should do, but we often don’t have the energy or discipline to follow through. If you’re like me, you wonder “are there any safe shortcuts to how to have more energy?” Luckily, there are. There are now a plethora of supplements in health food stores that can safely and effectively help you to get more energy. Once you find how to get more energy in a way that works well for you, it’s like finding a magic pill that helps you feel healthier, happier, and more energized. Who knows, you may even become motivated to eat better and exercise more often!
First of all, it’s important to look at the ingredients in each of the bottles. Many energy supplements are really just caffeine-like derivatives that take a toll on your body. Caffeine, Ma Huang, Ephedra, and Guarana are all very similar in that they stress your adrenal glands and ultimately leave you with less energy. It’s better to look for products whose main ingredients are things like bee pollen, spirulina, wheat grass, amino acids, ginseng, algae, royal jelly, or vitamin B-12.
Bearing all this information in mind, there are several supplements I can heartily recommend because of their ingredients and the consistently good results people report. My personal favorite is something called 
The great thing about finding a Magic Pill or drink to get more energy is how easy it is. No matter how lazy you are, you can always pop a pill into your mouth or drink some fresh juices. Although supplements are easy to “use,” their effect can be life transforming. Many people don’t realize that the reason they feel depressed or unhealthy is due to a lack of nutrients. I’ve seen clients in my therapy practice who literally change overnight by finding a supplement they really needed to take. Once you know how to get more energy in a way that feels good to your body, you’ll have a consistent way to support your body, mind, and spirit. With a little exploring, for under a dollar a day, you can find a supplement that can have a major impact on your life. That’s a deal too good to refuse.
We all want to experience deeper peace in our lives, or simply have more joy. As a teacher of workshops on happiness, I’ve looked for quick ways to help people quiet their minds and/or enjoy more fun and play. Of the many different things I’ve tried, I’ve found one formula to be so simple and effective that I heartily recommend it to everyone. I call this method The Magical Playlist.
Of all the possessions I own, my iPod is my most treasured. By listening to certain songs, I have almost immediate access to any feeling I want—without any cost, and no known side effects! When making certain playlists, I looked through all the songs I have on my computer, and carefully selected songs that have always had the most impact on me. Nowadays, I have special “mood altering” playlists categorized in five different ways: First, songs that put me in a fun and happy mood. In this category, I have songs like “Twist and Shout” and “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” by the Beatles. It’s hard to sing along with such songs without getting a smile on your face. Try it and you’ll see what I mean.
My fourth “magical” playlist includes songs that make me feel energized and motivated. These are songs I like to shout to, like Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run,” or U2’s “Vertigo.” After shouting to a couple of songs on this playlist, I feel like I can tackle anything. Finally, I have a playlist of songs that make me feel all lovey and mushy inside. These songs are great to listen to before you spend time with your mate or a date.