I’m writing a book now that details many simple communication “games” for quickly increasing your connection to your partner or a friend. One of my favorites is called The Relationship Update Game.  In a few minutes, this simple method provides friends or romantic partners with a lot of useful information.  It helps to clear out any “cobwebs,” and helps couples start out a new week with a clear, informed, caring slate.

The Relationship Update Game consists of five open ended sentences. Once two people are ready to play, they each take turns completing the sentences of the game.  If the players prefer, they’re welcome to also ask their friend or lover questions during the game so as to get more information.  I’ve seen this game take as little as ten minutes, or as long as half an hour.  It all depends on how much time and curiosity you have. So, without further ado, here are the five open-ended sentences:

• The best thing that happened to me this week was…
•  Something I’ve been feeling lately is…
•  Something I’ve been wanting lately is…
• Something I’ve been avoiding saying or communicating to you is….
•  Something I’ve appreciated about you recently is…

Instead of providing you with a transcript of a couple playing this game, I will briefly mention why I specifically chose each of the five open ended sentences used in this exercise.  The game begins with, “The best thing that happened to me this week was…”   I chose this sentence to begin because it’s important to look back and celebrate life’s good moments together.  In fact, research shows that when couples acknowledge and celebrate each other’s victories, it helps to create a lasting bond.  Couples that fail to recognize life’s good moments together end up spending more time arguing with each other.  By completing this open-ended sentence, you automatically create a moment of positive connection with your partner.

The second and third open-ended sentences are geared towards uncovering what each partner is feeling and wanting.  Knowing how you feel and what you want are possibly the two most important pieces of information you can reveal to your partner.   Like a good map, such information discloses to your partner exactly where you’re at and where you want to go.  It also summarizes for yourself where you’re currently at and where you want to go.  Oftentimes, we get so lost in our heads that we forget the power and simplicity of knowing the direction we want to head in. Once you’ve defined where you are and where you want to be, it’s much easier to hit your intended target.

Sentence number four is perhaps the hardest sentence to complete. I chose this sentence because “withholds”– or things that are unsaid–can be like stuff clogging your sink.  Each little “withhold,” like each strand of hair clogging a sink, doesn’t seem like much.  Yet over time, you soon find that your relationship is all blocked up and there’s no flow to it anymore. By revealing withholds on a weekly basis, you prevent these mini-blocks from getting out of hand and interfering with ongoing intimacy. Think of it as a gentle form of relationship cleaning or maintenance.

Finally, the fifth sentence is a great way to end your weekly session with your partner. When you tell your mate what you appreciate about them, it does three beneficial things. First, it makes both you and your partner feel good.  Second, it tells your partner the things they do that really mean a lot to you. Normally, we assume we know what our partner appreciates, but once you’ve played this game a few times, you’ll see that you’re often wrong.  By knowing what your partner most appreciates, it makes it more likely you’ll do those behaviors again.  Lastly, when you tell your partner what you appreciate, it makes it more likely they’ll do those behaviors again.

The Relationship Update Game can also be a great game to play with close friends. In any relationship, it allows you to quickly catch up and create a good foundation for further connection. For couples, I’ve found this game is a great ritual for those with little time, but with a strong desire to connect deeply and intimately with each other. If you try it and it works well for you and your mate, consider coming up with a weekly time that you’ll play it.  I know of many couples that use it as part of their date night, while others use it on Sunday night as a way to complete their week.  Whenever you use it, I think you’ll find it to be a simple but powerful tonic for togetherness.