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Monthly Archives: November 2013

How to Pray Without Ceasing

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on November 26, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

heartWith Thanksgiving upon us, I thought it was a good idea to blog about giving thanks and the power of gratitude.  In my book The Experience of God, I asked each of the forty well-known spiritual leaders I interviewed about their favorite method of feeling closer to their Creator.  While the range of responses was surprising, the answer I heard more than any other was that of focusing on feeling grateful to God throughout the day.  As Ram Dass put it, “Gratitude opens your heart, and opening your heart is a wonderful and easy way for God to slip in.”

In Western culture, we often think of prayer as asking God for something.  Yet, in many spiritual traditions, prayer is primarily considered a way of thanking God for the blessings in one’s life.  Many years ago, I received an important lesson about “thankfulness prayer” from a Native American medicine man named Bear.   As a condition of being interviewed about his life, Bear requested we meet at a location sacred to his tribe.  Once there, he suggested that both of us begin by offering up a prayer to the Great Spirit.  My simple prayer was that our time together be well spent, and that it would serve our becoming closer to God.  The bear began his prayer in his native tongue, as I listened patiently.  After ten minutes of listening to the sounds of his tribal language, I began getting impatient.  After twenty minutes of listening to his prayer, I was secretly irritated. While I grew restless, Bear looked like he was soaring as high as the eagles that flew overhead. Finally, after fifty minutes, Bear finished speaking his words of prayer.

Trying to hide my sense of irritation, I began my interview by asking Bear, “What did you pray for?”  Bear’s calm reply was, “In my tribe, we don’t pray for anything.  We give thanks for all that the Great Spirit has given us.  In my prayers, I simply thanked Spirit for everything I can see around me.  I gave thanks to each and every tree I can see from here, each rock, each squirrel, the sun, the clouds, my legs, my arms, each bird that flew by, each breath I took, until I was finally in full alignment with the Great Spirit.”  It was clear to me that this man really knew how to pray.

thanksFrom Bear’s inspiration and the wisdom of many others

I’ve interviewed, I began trying this new method of prayer.  To make this form of prayer in my daily life, I began by simply saying, “Thank you God for (whatever is in my awareness).”  Sometimes I would “prime the pump” by first thanking God for things that are easy for me to feel grateful for.  For example, I might say, “Thank you for my health.  Thank you for such a beautiful day.  Thank you for my wonderful wife.”  Then, once I truly felt a sense of gratitude in my heart, I would use “thank you” as a “mantra” for whatever I was currently aware of.  For instance, if I was driving somewhere I might say, “Thank you for my car, thank you for my Iphone, thank you for this beautiful music, thank you for this nicely paved road, thank you for the man that just cut me off, thank you for the anger that he stirred up in me, thank you for the opportunity to practice forgiveness.”

The secret of this technique is to see all things as gifts given to us by God to enjoy or learn from.  Normally, we take virtually everything for granted, and rarely stop to appreciate the wonderful things we are given.  It can be eye opening to realize that even middle class folks of today live better than Kings lived just 100 years ago.  Yet, without the “thank you technique,” all the amenities of modern day life can go unappreciated.

ThankfulOnce you have used this method for awhile, you can even use it to begin to value things that are unpleasant.  In the example above, getting cut off by an aggressive driver was not my idea of a good time.  Yet, if I’m doing my “thank you” mantra, I’m more likely to see how such an event can serve me.  From a higher state of mind, I can see that this driver is helping me learn patience, compassion, and forgiveness—three things I’m not very good at.  Fortunately, there are many drivers and people who are willing to help me learn this lesson!  Thank you God for all that help.

Like any mantra or phrase that a person repeats, repeatedly saying “thank you” can build up a momentum of its own as you use it throughout the day.  However, it’s important that it doesn’t become a mechanical mental exercise.  With each thank you that is thought, it’s essential to feel a sense of appreciation in your heart for the gift you’ve been given.  Besides helping a person tune into an ecstatic feeling of gratitude, this method can also help a person become more aware and present in the eternal now.

 

Posted in Gratitude, Gratitude Journal, Gratitude List, Inspire Me Today, Jonathan Robinson | Tagged experience, finding, how to be happy, independence, inspire, Jonathan Robinson, joy, life, love, manage, prayer

How to Never Argue Again

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on November 15, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

kids arguingAs a psychotherapist, I often counsel couples who frequently argue. Early in my career, I tried to help these people with communication techniques aimed at helping them be more open with each other. Yet, it rarely worked. They would simply forget the method and continue with their verbal attacks. When I realized couples behave like hurt infants when they get into a fight, I asked myself, “What helps crying infants to feel better?” The answer was obvious–they like to be held. As parents gently hold their baby, the baby soon feels better. Before you know it, the infant is giggling and happy. I wondered if a similar approach might work with adults. After much trial and error, I found something that works even better than I expected. I call it “The Spoon Tune.”

One of the great things about the Spoon Tune is how easy it is. When we are upset, we do not have the capacity to do anything complicated. Luckily, the Spoon Tune has just two simple steps to it. First, at the earliest sign of upset, lie down with your partner in “spooning” position. Spooning is the way in which many couples sleep. It consists of having one person’s front side hugging the other person’s backside. Couples can also “spoon” standing up if they are in a place where they cannot lie down, or there is no place to do so. Although holding your partner in this manner is hard to do when you are upset, direct yourself to do it. Sometimes I think to myself that I have a choice between spooning for four minutes and feeling fine or staying upset and ruining the rest of the day. When I clearly see that those are my two options, I begin spooning.

Next, spooningwhile in a spooning position, breathe in unison with your mate. Generally, it is best for the bigger partner to follow the breath of the smaller partner. When the smaller person inhales, the other partner should inhale. When the smaller partner exhales, the other should exhale. Hold each other and breathe in unison like this for at least four minutes. Do not say anything. As soon as your mind wanders, focus once again on breathing in unison with your partner.

No matter how upset you are

At the beginning of this simple exercise, you will find yourself quickly calming down. The combination of being in the spooning position and breathing together puts people back on the same wavelength. When you share energy in this way, it creates a feeling of safety and connection at a very deep level. Although your mind may be racing and storming, your bodies and souls cannot help but connect. By the end of a few minutes, you may not even remember what you were upset. At the very least, you will feel more connected and safe, and are much better able to work things out without hurting each other. Oftentimes, the “issue”, which seemed so big just minutes before, will have become totally unimportant.

lionsOnce you begin the Spoon Tune, no talking allowed. If possible, find a place to lie down together. If that is not possible “spoon” standing up. The key to doing this method successfully is to breathe together. As you breathe together, try to focus on and be present with each breath. Use your breath as a meditation. By focusing on your breath as it goes in and out in rhythm with your partner’s breath, you will feel more peaceful, safe, and connected, spoon for at least three minutes.

Once you are done spooning, you have a couple of options.  You can simply forget about whatever led to the upset and go about your business, or, if you feel it’s necessary, you can talk things over with your partner.  If you need to work something out, you will be in a much better frame of mind to do so.

You need not wait until you are upset to use the Spoon Tune. In fact, it is a great way to connect with your partner anytime. Many couples find it to be an easy and satisfying way to unwind after a stressful day. It can also be a very effective way to connect with your partner before making love. The hardest thing about this method is remembering to use it. Make an agreement that either you or your partner can ask for a “spooning” if you feel like your tempers are starting to get the best of you. Be on the lookout for times when you or your partner begin to get upset, or you both feel stressed. In order to use the Spoon Tune correctly the first time you get angry at each other, it is a good idea to try a practice run when you are not upset. Once you use it the first time and see how well it works, you will be hooked.

 

Posted in Anger, Being Present, Gratitude, Healthy Relationships, How to Be Happy, How to Find Happiness, Jonathan Robinson | Tagged experience, finding, happiness, how to be happy, Jonathan Robinson, partner, positive psychology

Letting Happiness In

Jonathan Robinson, Finding Happiness Posted on November 5, 2013 by Jonathan RobinsonJanuary 16, 2023

jump-for-joyI recently took an online course called “Awakening Joy.” It was quite good, maybe even as good as my own online course called “Deeper Happiness.”(Of course, it did cost five times as much as my course!) Even though it was expensive, it was worth it to me because I learned something valuable. What I learned from this course was really just one new thing — which I plan to share with you in a moment. Yet, even if you learn just one new thing from a course or a workshop, it is still very much worth it. After all, that one new “thing” will potentially be able to affect you for the rest of your life. If something you learn ends up having practical value to you for the rest of your life, then its value is priceless.

 

What I learned from the Awakening Joy course was the importance of allowing time for positive moments in one’s life. Being that I am a so-called “happiness expert,” I already knew the importance of allowing time for positive feelings. Yet, as I watched myself throughout the day, I noticed something interesting. In the midst of sweet moments or intimate moments with a friend—or simply moments of deep peace—I would often think of what I have to do next on my “to do” list. Then, I would curtail my joyful experience and do whatever I felt compelled to do. After watching this a few times, I realized I was ripping myself off from experiencing more truly joyful moments.

dog on lapFor example, today I was playing with my dog and we were both having a great time. Then, when she was done with playing, she came over to cuddle with me in my lap. We cuddled for a moment, and I enjoyed the feeling of petting her and feeling my deep love for her. Then after a minute, I had the thought, “What do I need to do next?” Of course, my “list” is never done, so there were plenty of things to do, but why did I need to curtail such a sweet moment so quickly? In fact, I did not have to, but I realized I have been trained by our culture to always be productive—even at the expense of hanging out with more moments of love, intimacy, and joy. Can you relate to this?

Author Gay Hendricks calls this phenomenon the “Upper Limit Problem”

When we are feeling good, we often will stop what we are feeling and look for some problem or distraction to occupy our mind and emotions. It is as if we have an internal thermostat ready to kick in with negativity or worry anytime our internal temperature (positive feelings) get too high. As a psychotherapist, I have noticed this phenomenon in couples that sabotage a relationship when it is going really well, or people who sabotage a business just when they are starting to make a lot of money. Yet, once I saw how it manifested in the little moments of my daily life, I knew it was important to watch out for.

dog kissSo having seen my own tendency to start thinking of my “to do” list in the midst of positive emotions, I have taken steps to go against it. Nowadays, when I see that I am curtailing a sweet and/or intimate moment, I try instead to stay with my positive experience. I take a deep breath and remind myself; nothing is more important than joyful moments.  I attempt to “hang out” with such feelings until they naturally drift away.

This simple little practice has added immensely to the quantity of joyful moments I have in my life. If you can relate to my experience, then I challenge you to allow more time for your own positive feelings. Notice what you do to curtail such moments, and once you “catch” yourself in the act, take a deep breath and allow yourself to simply BE.  Your partner, your pets, and your joyful heart will thank me…

Posted in Being Present, How to Find Happiness, Inspire Me Today, Jonathan Robinson, Positive Psychology | Tagged experience, finding, happiness, how to be happy, Jonathan Robinson, joy, life, manage, positive psychology

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